


Paradigm

by Effar, RenaRoo



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Comics), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-03-03 22:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2890280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Effar/pseuds/Effar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenaRoo/pseuds/RenaRoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike ventures to the farm to visit Leonardo and reflects on the preceding events. He realizes that the true story rests in how they learned to perceive one another. First Place for Best Tragedy/Angst & Sad Ending, Second for Leonardo Scene in 2009 Comps</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let me tell you a story...

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my favorite fics that I’ve written, but I also wrote it when I was young and my skills were, well, less refined than they are now. So I plan on relocating this story here and to my tumblr but rewriten/fixed up.

**Paradigm**  
Chapter One: Let me tell you a story…

The smack of the luggage hitting the carpet lining in the trunk makes me flinch every time. I'm not really sure why. I'm not exactly all that jumpy. Usually. Lately, though, it's been getting more apparent. And aggravating.

I think it's maybe the loud noise, but that just doesn't seem right.

Nothing really seems right.

It's way too cold for fall and despite Don and April's best intentions, I don't think these stupid sweats are helping at all. If I'm still chilly, why should I have to deal with these bunch, loose, yet oddly restricting articles! Turtles are just not supposed to wear clothes and I feel like a walking testament as to why.

Casey grunts awkwardly as he realizes he still can't close the trunk despite his rearranging. I repress the urge to joke about the workout he seems to be getting and instead tug at my clothing again. But he straightens up with a sturdy laugh at last and smacks his hands together. Space Case looks so proud as he finally slams the trunk down.

Over half that trunk is my stuff, at least three duffle bags. I'm only leaving for a weekend and yet Don's packed me enough for a month!

For me, it's just further confirmation to me that my brother had way too much free time during my recovery period. Which… makes sense, sadly. After they took Leo to the farmhouse, there was a month or two before I was even coherent.

My stomach still weakens with the mere thought of Leo. I really don't want to see him. Not after what he said the last time we saw each other.

But this isn't a matter of what I want anymore. Not really. I _have_ to see Leo. He's been waiting to meet me at the farm and it's my responsibility to bring him back. I don't think he realizes how much we miss him around the lair. I know he doesn't know how much _I_ miss him.

Like I said, we did something that is just hard for me to remember now. But we had a fight. A big one.

"That's the last of it! Thanks a lot for the help," Casey teases us. It doesn't get much of a rouse. I don't know why he expected one, but then again it's Bonehead Casey we're talking about.

That was a mean thought. I look off from Casey, a little ashamed for my own brain at the moment.

After all, April and Casey are taking time away from their merry lives to drive simple old me to the farmhouse all because of some fight they had no part of. And my brothers and I didn't even have the decency to help with the bags. We're just… like slugs. Staring as we latch onto the walls of the alley.

"Sorry," I mutter.

I never mutter. I don't know how to describe what's wrong with me. I wasn't like this just a few months ago. I _know_ I wasn't. I'm supposed to be happy and joyful.

I'm about to see my _brother_ after half a year apart.

At least part of it, probably, is having Don and Raph standing behind me and practically breathing down my back. It's starting to give me cold chills. Seriously.

Don's acting like if I take five steps out of his sight I'll end up like Leo. Like I'll just float away, away from his care and distant.

I should probably tell him I'm going to be fine, but I can't do it. I don't feel too fine at the moment. And it's not like he'd believe me in any case.

"You ready to go, Mike?" April asks me as she walks up to the three of us. She's been preparing the back seat for me.

Honestly, I had almost forgotten she was even here. She's about as somber as Raphael and Donatello. It makes me want to lighten the mood, but nothing appropriate really comes to mind. Too much friction to my left and right at the moment.

"Yeah…" I nod instead. I tug at my sleeve again. "And thanks."

She hesitates before getting in the front passenger's seat simultaneously with Casey getting in the driver's seat.

Stretching, I try to look like I'm getting ready for the long drive, completely aware of the eyes on me from the rearview mirror. It's all just buying time. And I'll take all the borrowed time I can get at this point.

Thinking about everything, though, I should probably be pretty excited. I get to ride in the actual car the entire way to Northampton. Usually my brothers and i ride all incognito-like to the farm in the back of a hitched up trailer. Compared to that, I'm getting First-Class Round Trip.

But… it's still not right. It almost makes me wish Raph or Don would offer to go with me. But they went when Master Splinter left, when I was recovering. When they took Leo up there… and didn't come back.

Casey starts up the car and I figure it's my last chance to turn around and tell my brothers their goodbyes. The thing I'm really not good at. I'd much rather think about how my clothes don't fit.

So I turn around and I'm facing Raph and Don who are looking a little worse for wear. Don in particular doesn't want me to go and is literally biting his lip to keep from saying something to me.

I open my mouth but it doesn't form words. I kind of want him to just drag me home. I wouldn't kick or scream at this point.

But instead, I laugh some as if it can relieve this pressure in my chest. It doesn't really help -- like _that's_ a surprise -- and it might have actually made things worse because Mr. Happy himself is staring at me with absolute disgust. I must remind myself that, should I ever better my position, to _never_ get on this side of Raphael again. Ever.

"Man, gotta hate all this clothing stuff," I follow up after swallowing the lump in my throat. But my supportive brothers just continue to stare at me expectantly and I feel like I'm metaphorically in my underwear. "Kind of makes me glad I'm a turtle."

Raphael snorts and looks away. I can't believe that, even now, I can't get a word out of him.

The voice in my head is screaming for me to just SPIT IT OUT already. I lower my head. This is hard. I feel like I'm breaking the family further than the fight already did. "I guess I'll see you guys soon… or I'll call you or something. We'll figure it out…" It's still not completely out. Stop dragging your feet, Michelangelo. "Bye…"

All of the sudden, I'm pulled into an embrace and I don't even have to look up to know it's Donny. Poor guy. He's had the shaft in this entire situation, since my lights went out. He can't take care of me as a patient anymore, though. I'm healed with the exception of a few bruised ribs. There's no more Doctors Excuse to keep me by his side.

I bet he doesn't even know the full plan. If he knew I was going up to bring Leo back, I doubt he'd let me leave at all.

"I can do it, Donny," I assure him.

After all, it's my responsibility. Because I caused the fight. Because I'm the reason Leo left.

"Hey," Don snaps me out of my thoughts again, backing up away from me. He puts his hands on my shoulders, squeezes securely. He's still so reluctant. I don't know why he's not encouraging me to go back home by now. "Do me a favor and say a favor and say a word to Leo for me, okay?"

I nod and don't have to ask what the word could be. It's the same word I want to say. So I guess I'll have to say it to him twice. Joy. Why do I get the feeling he'll be more forgiving to Don?

Finally, Don lets go and I'm stuck looking at Raphael instead. Waiting for him to make the first move. But he's not looked back at me since the first time he turned his vision away. He's got a knack for being a royal jerk but… _this_ I don't completely blame him for. It's just how he deals with things.

"Bye, Raph," I speak up in hopes of getting response from him.

He doesn't so much as huff. He just tunes me out.

Luckily, I know my brother fairly well and I can tell with a certain degree of confidence that he's not as mad at me as he likes to put on. If he _really_ blamed me that much then I seriously doubt he'd have come all the way to the surface just to see me off on my voyage.

I sigh and move on to the car while musing over how pathetic of a parting this was. We try, we really do. Thing is that sometimes things change and you can't really help how they affect you. I like to think that in a little while, especially when we return, everything will be able to go back to normal.

I seriously doubt it, but it'd be nice.

Maybe it will, though. All I've got is hope anymore.

As I slide across the blankets laid over the backseat, I question myself over when April got the interior of her car worked on. The momentum shifts. I haven't been out of the lair since the fight so all the sudden motion makes my ribs hurt -- I wasn't prepared.

It reminds me to look back, though. It's my last chance to see Don and Raph before I set off to the farm.

Looking back behind me, I can see them staring back at me with indescribable emotions of their own. Raph's still stone faced but he's looking after the car as it leaves and I wonder if he regrets not staying goodbye. Don on the other hand looks completely distraught and I know that he's now regretting that he didn't act on my vibes which clearly read _keep me at home._

Casey drives out of the alley and my view of my brothers soon becomes obstructed by a building or two. Yet I get the sense that they're still standing in front of the manhole just like how I left them. They're almost losing another brother to the farm it seems.

They'll go home soon, though. Master Splinger didn't leave the lair with us because of how sick he's been lately, not to mention he wouldn't be able to make it through another string of goodbyes from me. The last time just about broke his heart.

What wasn't already broken, of course.

Our father was seriously hurting after Leo left. All after the fight again. Everything's blamed on the fight, you know?

Well, it should be, I guess. The fight started most of it, if not all of it. And whenever someone blames the fight for something I get dragged into it because, yeah. I started the fight. Stupidly. Not because I meant harm, but that doesn't count for much when I hurt everyone anyway.

But if anyone blames me, they've got to blame Leo, too! We were both in this fight, no one can dispute that. It's _fact._

I sigh and slide further into a laying position across the back seat. It's a long trip and somehow I'm already tired. It could be all these knives in my sides, figuratively speaking of course.

One thing that would be nice would be to not think about the fight for the rest of the way to Massachusetts. Just keep the most wonderful sleep instead and cal it a day. That would be nice. In fact, it would be nicer than nice. It'd be very near perfect.

But Casey's driving. I remember this problem with my plan as soon as he slams the breaks for yet another stoplight that changes. He's a worse driver than Raph, and I won't hardly go anywhere with Raph.

So now we've got a few minutes in the midst of a car jam. Perfect.

Still, I'm rather surprised to have Casey turn almost completely around in his seat to get a face to face look at me. I quirk my eye ridge tiredly in expectation of a traffic joke when he shocks me with his true conversation starter.

"So just how bad of a fight was it?" he asks me almost immediately.

I blink at him and feel this nonexistent knives in my sides starting to churn. Nice and painful.

"Casey!" April snaps before letting loose and punning his shoulder with her fist, loud enough to where I thought for a moment maybe my ears had popped rather than me actually hearing the power behind her punch. She is ticked.

"What?" Casey asks before finally being able to drive forward.

She just growls like a monster before turning toward me. Her eyes seem almost on the edge of tears she's so angry with Casey. I guess she knows how touchy the subject is. I was out for so long that there's no telling how much Don and Raph caught her up to speed.

"I'm so sorry, Mikey," she apologizes emphatically.

I shrug it off and mutter it's cool, but my stomach still feels as though it has some sort of pit in it. That question stings to this day! And there's no telling how many times I've gotten that question since I first woke up, though. I wish Leo had just told them everything so they could all leave me alone.

Still, as I look out the window toward the hazy Big Apple, I wonder if maybe this whole 'talking about it' deal is actually more helpful than I assumed. I mean, I guess one needs to get this stuff off their chest, especially if it's effecting who they are.

It hurts, but perhaps as I talk about the fight I'll get over it and be able to figure out what I need to say to Leo at the same time. It could work -- it could work out real well.

I will have to start back before the fight and back to the _initial_ altercation, though. Remember all the nonsense that went on between Leo and I -- the misunderstanding between the dutiful student and the goofball.

Let me tell you a story...


	2. Like Applesauce and Corn Syrup

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Two: Like Applesauce and Corn Syrup

There’s one thing you have to understand about me before you ever get involvd with this story. I am **slightly** immature. 

I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Sometimes it’s a great thing. But it doesn’t exactly keep me from getting into trouble. 

This is quite the opposite of, say, my brother Leonardo. Leonardo who was **too** mature for his age. 

There was always a brotherly love between us, but you have to understand that when you put opposites together there’s not really a way to make them gel, to **connect.** Or so Don has told me. Imagine what friction there must be between someone who was high strung and constantly having to reprimand someone who was as loose as a kung pow noodle.

This was the case long before even our real fight. But even before all that, we continuously had... altercations. 

Dumb me usually started them.

“Why so serious, Leonardo!?” escaped my mouth without a thought as I playfully pushed on my brother’s shell.

We had been taking a long walk with Don and Raph back home after patrol. 

Raph had always been guilty of selective hearing -- a serious condition since childhood where he picked up on exactly nothing except what he wanted to hear and who he wanted to hear it from. And due to this severe case of selective hearing, Raphael had refused to maintain the formation Leo ordered for us to fight in against a band of Foot Ninja. He pulled out, leaving Don’s shell open to attack, and incidentally caused the fight to last about twenty minutes longer than necessary.

Leo, in return, was one unhappy moment. It was only due to Don’s urging that Leo had decided to put off his fit until we reached the Lair. 

Now, I love all my brothers, don’t get me wrong, and I never want anyone to get hurt. But I also don’t want them to fight. And, I admit, I had always been closer to Raph than I was Leo.

I wouldn’t say it was because Leo acted “mother hen”, as was Raphael’s source of annoyance. It was more Leonardo tended to overreact to certain things, specific antics. 

As a result, I had a powerful gift for pushing those specific buttons. And right then, in the inevitable instance that Leonardo would be trying to chew Raphael out before Splinter came out and discovered Raph in the wrong and punished more “officially,” it was time to use those powers. 

For the greater good.

My single purpose in egging Leo on was to break this tension. Well, at least between him and Raph. I was, without a doubt, preparing to suffer from the consequences of my actions and behaviors. Just... **later**...

As soon as I pushed Leo, he turned on his heels and grabbed my wrist real tight. It was just like Master Splinter would do when our hands were literally in the cookie jar as kids and, well, for me the week before. I should have found this rather hilarious, but it wasn’t at the moment. Actually, it was rather terrifying.

I had never gotten on Leo’s bad side so quickly before.

“Grow **up,** Michelangelo!” he hissed at me. “You have been in your egg way too long. Now is **not** the time for games! Raph almost got Don killed out there and you’re trying to cut up!”

Ouch.

Still to this day, it’s one of my least favorite memories. Especially of Leo.

“Back off, Fearless!” Raphael roared almost immediately, pushing his way past Don and I to get up in Leo’s face. “Who died and gave you the right to talk to Mikey like that? He was just asking what everyone else is thinking!”

Leo snarled and released me. Once again, the fight wasn’t about me or Don or the fight. It was always that feud between Raph and Leo. 

“And what would that be?” he demanded.

“Why you’re being such an asshole!” Raph snapped a little too quick. 

Like most teenagers and, more importantly, brothers, we never were very well acquainted with giving each other compliments or general niceties. What we were well equipped for was swearing, insulting, and stabbing at each other. It was almost like a secret game in which we were privately keeping score.

Raph was winning. 

They began to bicker and I felt as though I had been sort of counter productive in my original pursuit, though, what could I have expected? Raph needed an excuse to bail on Leo since he knew he very well deserved scolding for how he handled the fight.

Poor choice, Raphael.

I would estimate that between the drop of a dime and the speed of light was when Master Splinter first realized we were home, though he allowed the fight to start somewhere before intervening. He was growing old and tired of his four teenage sons being incapable of solving their own issues.

It was almost funny to see the both of Leo and Raph get Master’s walking stick to the back of their legs because, from personal experience, I knew it hurt like shell. 

Like the orderly, well trained little ninja that we were, my brothers and I made our way into a line before our father and bowed in hopes of gaining his forgiveness. I say “hope” as a loose term because not a single one of us thought for even an instant that we would earn it.

“Sit!” he ordered with a snap of his tail. True sign of **ticked off rat.  
**

We did, of course, and Don and I took the end, away from our lovely, feuding brothers as always. I never expected much but the generalities to affect Don and me, even with my provocation earlier. Blow ups between Leo and Raph were normally so explosive it wouldn’t have mattered in the least what the two of us did in comparison.

I was somewhat admittedly cocky in this instance. 

“Now,” my father begun with a fierce eye turned toward Raph and Leo, “how did this begin, my sons? I hope, for your sakes, that this is not yet another petty dispute between you.”

Same as usual. I could have almost slept if it had not been for what happened next.

“I was only keeping Leo from bailing on Mikey anymore!” Raph hissed angrily with a thumb toward me.

You probably could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned. I could **not** believe that they were dragging me into this! I couldn’t believe that Raphael, big protective older bro Raph who always had my back, fellow in immaturity and late night pizza benders, was the one to do it!

Not to mention, I was **only** hypothetically committing my own sins to aid him.

Mind, not that I don’t understand. Doesn’t matter what dear ol’ dad says, it’s **always** easier to have others share your blame. 

Master Splinter and Leonardo looked nearly as shocked as I did. This was completely out of the norm for how these situation went. It was only supposed to be a Raph and Leo thing -- I was supposed to be the innocent yet mischievous younger brother!

“Leonardo?“ father questioned.

He opened his mouth for a moment to respond but it rested there, gaping for a minute. He was caught off guard and at the time it was almost funny. Our perfect leader was caught off guard, and in front of Splinter.

He composed himself. “Master... Mikey was going off and trying to get on my nerves and... I told him to stop,” Leo tried to explain. He was not completely telling the truth. He had overreacted, and it was showing on his face that there was more to the story.

Splinter’s eyes shifted toward my direction and his brow quirked. “Is this true, Michelangelo?” he asked me very seriously.

And, well, how do you answer that one with anything but the truth? So, of course, I started to make excuses.

I waved my hands some. “But-but I was just tyring to break the tension. Leo was mad at Raph and he was being all Mister Grumpy Shell or something and I, don’t know, I kinda teased him a bit! I didn’t mean to cause a fight! Leo overreacted and Raph jumped in!” 

The moment Master’s nose twitched, his whiskers rolling in a single wave, and I knew he was done accepting my version of the events. His eyes shifted between Leo and I, dark and mysterious. I knew we were in deep trouble at that point.

Right then I wished for nothing more than to go back in time and stop my stupidity before any of this had ever started!

“Leonardo, Michealangelo,” he said slowly, “we shall work on your unity as brothers by blood and by clan.” I didn’t like the sounds of that already. “From sunrise until sunset, neither of you shall be more than fifty feet from the other. You are to observe and learn for each other. Perhaps then you may understand at that point what each of you bring to the other.”

Looking at one another, Leo and I had the same, unexplainable shock toward one another. And then there was Raphael just smirking to himself, leaving this one unscaved while the two of us were getting one of father’s favorite punishments. 

We had to walk in each other’s shells.

This was not a new method of dear ol’ dad’s, but it was one that was rather irritating. Or so Raph had told me. Raph was the kind of child that got into fights with absolutely everyone at one time or another. He and I were pretty well meshed in that department. 

But Leo and Raph got this one the most. He was always getting paired up with Leo for this but thus far they did not seem to have learned much from their time together. It was actually almost more amusing for them to be forced to stick together and participate in each other’s activities. 

Raph always would complain to me afterward about how much he hated it and thought Leo was the most boring, sorry excuse of a teenager when it came to hanging out.

As I stared back at Leo, I could not help but think of all the complaints Raph had against this activity. I wondered what I could possibly learn from a stick in the mud, and I bet he questioned what he could learn from a goof ball.

Splinter dismissed us, but all I could do was sit there for a minute -- one of my few minutes of freedom left until who knew when!

I felt Raphael grab my shoulder. “G’luck, glad I don’t have to do it this time,” he joked before carrying on. 

But I couldn’t help but think that it was a much different punishment for me. 

Raph and Leo didn’t get along because they were too alike. Leo and I didn’t get along because we were too different. Like two things that would never mix, like... like applesauce and corn syrup. 

Delicious apart, but together? What would they even do?

* * *

I sigh and shake my head. Somehow I have managed to slide onto my shell and get to where I’m laying across the backseat. It feels good, though, and it relieves some of the pressure on my bruised ribs.

I can’t believe I’m still hurting like this. It’s nuts.

This whole trip idea is nuts, really. I can’t believe I am on my way to see Leo. Remembering how all this started, how even the fight before **the** fight was my fault is sort of a downer, though. It reminds me of one possibility: that Leo won’t want to see me after all I made him go through.

It makes me shudder to think of this whole trip being for nothing.

Especially in light of how April and Casey were fighting now thanks to me.

I look up and see that April is giving Casey an ugly look -- I’d almost say a murderous look should I think she was capable of it. Poor Casey keeps driving. He knows his fault, I guess. 

Still... April’s stare... it’s unnerving for me. 

It reminds me of the way Raph looked at me when I woke up for the first time.

I had been out for so long and never even realized it. By the time I came back to reality, I was still in a fog from medication and concussion. And there was just one large ache from my beak to my toes. But especially in that right leg -- splinted and cracked. 

But none of that was what felt so wrong when I woke up.

It was Don, sobbing as he yanked me into his arms. And Master Splinter beside him, relieved and just... devastated. 

“I thought i had lost you!” Don wept. 

My heart sank. I could remember the fight, I could see it all before my eyes like it was just the second before my eyes had opened. Like it had all just happened.

“Michelangelo...” was all my father could express in his weary state. He looked like he had not slept in ages!

I looked around and saw Raph standing far from me. His stare was hard and confused. He didn’t know what to make of me. Then he saw that I was looking to him and it changed... hardened more. He was making a decision of how to accept me again after all this time. 

“Wh-where’s Leo?” I asked, terrified. I didn’t really want to know after that fight. My imagination was bringing absolutely **nightmarish** fantasies into reality.

They hesitated.

“He-he’s gone, isn’t he?” I began, curling into myself, ignoring the pain throughout my body. It hurt but I just needed to disappear into myself, to just disappear. “B-because of me.”

Don hugged me tighter, whispered that I had nothing to do with what happened. I couldn’t be sure of the exact words, I wasn’t listening. I was looking to Raph.

He was scowling at that point. He looked almost disgusted with me, angry. 

It hurt me so much that I agreed with it from the second I saw it.

That hateful, accusing scowl. That murderous look. 

...


	3. Acts of Ignorance

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Three: Acts of Ignorance

We’ve been traveling now for a glorious forty minutes, deep in New York traffic, and it’s been exhaustive just as a writer. I imagine, in a bit of hysteria, that I will never make it to Northhampton, never see my brother, and never say what needs to be said to end this tension between everyone. I wonder what could result from this worst possible outcome... and the moment I imagine the disappointment, I find myself incapable of thinking further on it.

Thinking on it all, I have to really admit that this plan came from dear ol’ dad himself. **He** put this in my head. 

Not much more than a week after I had woke up, he warned me about the barriers I may have to pass in order to do what “must be done.” Or something sage along those lines.

“You will want to turn back, Michelangelo,” he coughed into his fist. The chill spell he had was losing its grip compared to when we started the conversation, just wearing on him with every sentence. “But you mustn’t. For yourself, you must speak with your brother again.”

I cried at the very mention of it. I kept thinking of the words we had shared before my lights had gone out. I continued to remember how much we had fought beforehand, fought until my insides were ready to flip upside down within me.

“Speak to him?” I responded. I grabbed his two, think hands in my own. I was desperate for him to just listen to me, listen to reason. “Sensei... after everything I did... it’s **my** fault... he can’t...”

I began to break down and release him. I just wanted to curl back into my shell, but Splinter’s hands cupped underneath my chin. He raised my head to look at his face. And I watched as the compassion flooded from his gaze. It was something I had not felt for so long at that point.

“Your peace is gone, my son,” he whispered gently, reaching up with his right hand and brushing the tears from my cheeks. “You shall be surprised. When you see your brother again, your peace shall once more be found.”

I nodded my head and shuddered. I knew he was right. I knew what I had to do, and I hated it. I was and still am too ignorant to realize what my father wanted, still wants. I don’t even know what **I** want from all of this. 

How can anyone know?

* * *

I look to the clock at the front of the car. It’s only been five moments more, and the tension can be cut with a knife. Not really a view to enjoy. 

It seems like everyone’s fighting over something these days. Especially when I’m involved. Not that the last factor is surprising. Not after everything went south with Leo. 

April glares at Casey. Casey glares at traffic. The differences in their anger is kind of interesting to look at though. 

When Casey gets mad at April, he refuses to talk or look. And if he did, he would start yelling in short, irate sentences which no one but he could decipher. Then he gets mad that his point isn’t getting across and he pulls the car over to get out for some relief. 

Today, though, it appears that, for whatever reason, he has shortcutted the shouting part and instead has pulled across four lanes, horns blazing, into a gas station that looks useful for little more than pumping gas. This is a bummer considering I’m also getting kind of thirsty. 

Being lost in thought does that to a turtle.

“What are we doing?” April snaps as we come to an abrupt stop.

“Getting gas!” Casey growls back before ripping the seat belt off and opening the door, still neglecting to give his wife a stray glance.

I don’t like to see them like this. I know it’s normal, but it’s really my fault and... it’s not normal to **me.  
**

April’s eyes shift to the same sign over the pump I was looking at and she continues her stare at Casey. The message sinks in. “It’s a Pay Before You Pump! Casey! What are you doing? You have to pay first. It’s not going to work that way!”

“I’ll pay later!” he retorts before slamming the door shut.

More awkward for the turtle in the back by the minute. 

Careful to not twist or turn in any way that may provoke pain, I move myself into a sitting position and look up. It’s kinda surprising to see April making a frustrated leap from the front seat to the outside of the car. I worry that she’s going to kick the car, but she moves toward the back door and opens it. I just watch as she slides into the seat next to me.

She looks like she’s on the verge of tears. In an angry way.

“Everyone’s so hurt and tense,” she tells me, like I don’t already know. “Why does he have to always be so... so infuriating? He has absolutely no filter for his mouth, Mike! He just says anything that comes to mind and explodes and makes us look so... so foolish.”

I sigh. I know what she’s doing.

Sometimes, with people you love, it feels like it should be easier to avoid the problem and go to others. To find distractions. When you do that, you don’t address the issue, sure, but you buy time. Hopefully.

I don’t have the energy much for that anymore. I know personally how it can backfire. 

“Sometimes I just feel like I’m hitting a wall with understanding Casey, Mikey,” April mutters. “But I know one thing for sure. He’s not going to have me save his hind end all the time. Especially if I just ignore when he digs himself holes.”

I look away and lay my head back. Closing my eyes, I think of how I once thought that a similar approach would aid me in getting rid of that punishment with Leo. It was... I don’t know. I guessyou’d call it **ignorant.  
**

“Ignoring the problem’s not going to do much, April,” I tell her, biting back the voice in my throat that whispers _hypocrite_ at myself. “Take it from someone who knows.”

Outside, Casey finally gives up and goes in the gas station to pay. 

April lowers her head, tears falling down her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “We’re trying to be strong. I don’t think we know how.”

I refuse to cry. Don’t know if I could if I wanted to. I just hug my sister, nuzzle her. “You don’t have to be,” I remind her. 

* * *

When the first day of mine and Leo’s punishment had wound into approximately the seventh hour, I felt like I was going to drive nails into my own eyeballs. I had decided before I had ever woke up that this was a useless lesson Splinter was beating into our hands. Leo and I were both pretty aware that “everyone in the family contributes something” or “all of us enjoy each other’s company” or other Hallmark stuff like that. 

I had also decided Leo was going to be the most boring partner I could have for the exercise.

Let me tell you, as much as I love my brothers, it did not take Leo wrong to prove just that to me.

Studious, responsible Leonardo had little interest in entertaining my particular interests that day either so we had silently agreed that, while being punished, we should remain within the required fifty food perimeter of each other but we shouldn’t really have to pester one another.

Mister Leader was rather content at the desk in our lair’s den. He had a large map of isle of Manhattan laid out before him. With a thick red sharpie he was intensely marking all the positions of the Foot Clan. Other than training and meditating, he did little else that day.

When I asked out of boredom why he was doing all that, he told me just that it “had to be done.” I just felt like he could have gotten the point across without turning **snapping** turtle on me. 

“Escuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me for not knowing your every habit!” I muttered dryly in reply. 

“You should pay more attention,” he bit back.

He had been doing this for hours -- comparing notes with a composition notebook in the desk, flipping the pages back and forth, writing map coordinates. I really wasn’t paying attention, he was right. But I felt I didn’t need to as the unofficial baby brother.

Fortunately for me, the den had been brilliantly designed to where, less than fifty feet from said desk, there was a living area equipped with television, gaming system, and stereo. Not to mention, I had the foresight of packing in the volumes of The Avengers I had yet to read.

Punishment was looking pretty sweet for me. Plus, Raphael came in around four in the afternoon and watched _The Simpsons_ with me. He was the genius who turned it up when Leo requested we turn it down enough to “hear himself think.”

“Really mature,” Leo hissed.

“Aw, is Leo not gettin’ to take all his special notes?” Raphael grinned sarcastically. His look was downright devilish toward our dear older brother. Leo, for his part ignored him.

I, however, found myself curious at why Raph was sweating so hard. 

“Master Splinter have you doing back flips around the dojo?” I cheekily questioned. It would have explained a lot.

Almost immediately his face dropped and he looked back to the screen, dropped fully into a **bad** mood. I joined Leo in snickering. After all, our punishment was annoying, but flips were a punishment for children.

The only one who ever got those anymore was Raph.

After a while, Raph decided that the rerun was not entertaining enough to captivate him and so we turned to a talk show for background noise as we teased each other. 

“Guys,” Leo said, voice edging on a growl of irritation. 

Raphael turned up the volume once again. And, even if it was predictable, I found myself laughing. Such defiance between my brothers. 

“So,” Raph whispered, “you having fun or what?”

I groaned, taking for granted that Leo was nearly fifty feet away. “It’s been more irritating than when you and I were kids and got our shells stuck together with bubblegum! But I don’t really think it’ll bother me too much. As long as I’ve got a television, games, and comics the only situation in which we have to interact is when I have to go to the bathroom.”

He quirked his brow. “What about when Leo goes?”

I laughed. “He doesn’t. He barely eats or drinks either.”

The laugh would have continued for an extra chuckle if I hadn’t seen the way Raph’s face drew back, brows more knitted together at the information. He looked to Leo, almost like he understood something going on that I wasn’t catching onto just yet.

“Hey!” Raph let out in a bark. 

I was shocked to see that Leo was bolting out of the room and straight for Master Splinter’s room. “What?” I asked, slightly dazed by the development.

“Dammit,” Raph huffed under his breath. 

Suddenly... it occurred to me. Could Leo have heard us from so far? I felt... dirty and... ungrateful. **Mean.  
**

Raphael leaped over the back of the couch to trot after Leo, muttering to me about staying where i was. And I did. Sort of dumbfounded. There was something heavy going on that I wasn’t aware of, but I knew that what we were whispering about Leo had to be at least part of it.

For the first time that day, I thought that maybe **I** wasn’t the best company either.

There wasn’t much dispute when Master brought me to his room, informed me that Leo and I were to be within twenty feet of one another from the moment we woke up until we passed out in sleep. We had to spend equal amount of time doing each other’s regular habits and so on and so forth. 

Leo didn’t look at me once the entire meeting. 

...


	4. Understatements

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Four: Understatements

I listened to it a few more times. The chime of the rattling chains had held my attention for I would say about fifteen minutes at that point. It had been a long enough time that I had exhaustedly rested my shell against the wall and slid down to sit. I was tiring easier at that point, what with only being awake for a week and having to still get used to the crutches. It was **so hard** at first...

It hadn’t been long enough for Don to realize that I had escaped yet, but I hadn’t gotten close enough to the gym before I had to sit. Which meant, at least, that Raphael could only just barely see me if he really looked for me.

Fortunate for me, I think.

The way he had been acting ever since I had woke up and the way he was demolishing the hanging punching bag seemed to tell me that I was in a danger zone. Still, I sat there and watched with a gut wrenching acceptance that of all the people my brother could be imagining in the place of the punching bag, I could very well be one of them.

The thud of his fist echoed off the walls of our strangely quiet home once more. I flinched. It hurt and I had to bite my lip to keep stifling a cry, but still I flinched. Still not sure how I left the fight that battered, it wasn’t exactly like I was sitting there allowing myself to be wailed on. 

Raphael stopped and lowered his head. his shell was turned to me and he didn’t turn around... but I knew that he was very much aware of my presence at that point. He just wouldn’t look at me. I wanted him to **so** bad.

It was very silent for a moment. 

I wondered if he was thinking about the sting of our words to Leo all that time ago. It’s what I had been thinking about. 

Everything was so different. After the fight. **We** were different.

He stood there for another moment or two and I waited for him to say something to me, anything. But he didn’t. I kinda already knew that he wouldn’t, but I didn’t want the confirmation.

It was as if he was ignoring me -- not just me but my whole existence. 

With a low growl that became an explosive roar, Raphael punched the bag, slinging it through the air with the force before shaking in its long swing back and forth. He did not move out of its way, just knowing it wouldn’t dare come near him again.

“DONNY!” he yelled before making his way toward the other end of the gym, the exit that would keep him far away from me.

“What?” Don could be heard yelling as he walked toward the gym. It wasn’t long after that that he saw me and came over, a grocery list of complaints and concerns spewing from his mouth as he picked me up.

I didn’t really pay attention. I was too busy staring at the swinging bag... at the fabric taped to its center...

* * *

The nibbles I give to the Snickers bar are enough to distract me from constant thinking during the drive, but the sacrifice is pretty great for it. It tastes like old chocolate and is almost **too** stringy at the center. 

Really, all it’s good for is breaking my concentration and not letting me count the minutes we have left on the drive. 

But it can only do so much against the memories bubbling to the surface. And how they make me think about the finer details you can only really imagine in hindsight.

Like rules.

The additional rules to mine and Leo’s punishment after my gossiping conundrum were fairly simple, if not strict beyond reason. Master Splinter made it very clear that we had done this wrong to begin with, as per his explanation for why the first day had ended in such complete and utter failure. Somehow it seemed unfair to surmise it that way, even to me, because really... what had Leo done wrong that day?

Leo made it pretty clear that night that he did not think Master Splinter’s disciplinary actions were working their usual magic. His concern being that rather than becoming more united as brothers “by blood and by clan” like Sensei insisted, we were just going to get more pissy and further divided. 

But, as these things so often ended up, we were left to trust our father’s judgment regardless.

I never bothered arguing, I knew better before arguments ever started.

Still, the whole moving the starting of the punishment from “sunrise” to “waking time” meant that I had to **completely** rearrange the order of my day. 

Why?

Because Leonardo was always one of those heinous and most despicable of people known as as an Early Bird. His idea of normal was waking up at, believe it or not, **five** in the morning. **Five.  
**

There was no real excuse for this surreal self-torture. Other than his claim that doing otherwise made him feel “slothful”. And that was just irritating for someone whose record wake-up time was around eleven. 

Suffice it to say, I wasn’t in a good mood when I woke up at five fifteen for “weapons maintenance.” To be honest, I’m not entirely sure if before that moment I knew there **was** a five fifteen in the morning. I thought it was something made up like yard gnomes. 

But maybe it was also the difference in weapons. I guess “weapons maintenance” makes a lot more sense when your weapons are swords as opposed to nunchucks. Cleaning nunchucks -- particularly nunchucks that were relatively new and unscarred -- was not really something I concerned my day with. In fact, I barely thought about it at all, other than when Splinter alerted Don, Raph, and I that it was time to clean our weapons.

“Stop groaning, Michelangelo,” Leo muttered as he polished his blade.

“You can’t do this at eight o’clock, Leo?” I moaned as I halfheartedly ran a rag through the links of the chain. “Or at least seven? Six?”

He gave me a warning glare before turning his blade over to check its level. He was silent for a moment as he balanced the blade in his hands, testing the weight, then he turned toward me and sheathed his blades. “Can’t.”

“Bullhockey,” I snapped grouchily.

“My morning practice run is at six,” he said shortly. “And if you don’t hurry up then we’ll be late and won’t be back in time for breakfast.”

I stared at him angrily. I did not want to go on his hellbent morning runs. Not this far into winter. Leo could be Mr. Perfect with training sessions and obsessive pre-training rituals, but I enjoyed relaxation. Like sleep. 

“Why can’t we go after breakfast?” I asked. “We could take Don and Raph with us.”

“No,” Leo said defiantly before getting up and throwing away the dirtied rags he had used, carefully folding them before dropping them in the bag.

I rolled my eyes. Seriously. Who folds stuff before they throw it away?

With yet another disgruntled moan, I gathered myself enough to rise to my feet and halter my weapons. Leo turned and raise an eye ridge expectantly. I glared back for just a moment before rubbing my face. “What?”

He looked down, I followed. Then moaned again.

Picking up the rags I had used, I wadded them up and shot them into the trash bag. Air ball.

“Goof,” he muttered before picking them up for me.

I was too tired to continue this so I merely yawned and waited for him to lead me out the door. I looked forward to breakfast. It might’ve been the first breakfast I was on time for in years. 

And, per our agreement, it would also mark the trading point from **Leo Time** to **Mikey Time** in our mandatory activities. 

I could only hope Leo was dreading it nearly as much as I was looking forward to it.

We headed out and met Master Splinter at the Lair’s exit. He smiled at us, bowing to us both. We replied in kind, myself incapable of suppressing a bellowing yawn on the way back up. 

“Good morning, my sons,” he said. “Have a nice run.”

“Domo arigato, Sensei,” Leo said with a nod.

“Save me some pancakes, Master Splinter, please!” I begged only to cause Leo to roll his eyes again and grunt at my supposed disrespect. 

Splinter didn’t seem to mind, even chuckling some at me. 

I wasn’t entirely sure why Leo still did the morning runs to begin with. A few Christmases before he had been on one and it... ended badly.

We almost lost him then because he had been alone, cold, and outnumbered. He got the shell beat out of him by the Foot. And then they came after us all, sending Leo first as a message. 

The images of Leo after that night can still make my stomach lurch.

When I had to go out with him that morning I had known for some time that he was still going on the runs, but I didn’t think much about the why. As we neared the surface, though... well, it struck me just how _odd_ it all was for him to do that. I had to wonder if he ever worried about a repeat scenario.

Leo had grown up a lot since then, sure. We were older and Leo was way more alert about the Foot’s working and how they positioned themselves and picked out territories. He knew where to go in order to not be in the red zones for ambushes.

Still, I figured that he did the runs out of pride, not wanting to let the Foot have the satisfaction of changing his habits for him. If he was going to change himself, he would do it **for** himself.

But... maybe it had been something even more.

“You’re too slow and loud, Mikey,” he hissed at me as we crossed the rooftops. He looked back at me with some annoyance. “You have to remind yourself that this is a **morning** run, we don’t have all the ambiguity of the night on our side. It’s a completely different battlefield when the sun is rising rather than setting --”

“Okay, Leo, seriously! Chill out!” I moaned. “We’re fine, I get it. We’re in the clear anyway, aren’t we? I mean, there’s not anyone around.” He glared at me. “Stop taking this so seriously. It’s practice.”

“Stop,” he snapped. “You’re being way too loud, Michelangelo. You’re going to break our cover.”

Tired and annoyed, I actually growled at him. I couldn’t believe he thought I was so dumb and clueless, that being the youngest legitimately made me a child by comparison. “I paid attention to the last time you warned us about the streets, Leo!” I bit back before leering at him. “We’re not close to any of the streets the Foot have been active at. Heck, we’re not even in Purple Dragon territory at this point!”

And I’d be damned if there wasn’t that tingling sensation the moment the words came from my mouth. You know the one I’m talking about, that one that ninja have been using invisibility to surround you until ti’s too late for you to get out of it? That you’re outnumbered by an enemy who is only then making themselves apparent to you?

That **irony** tasting feeling. Like when you put your **foot** in your mouth.

Leo and I immediately got back to back and drew our weapons for the ready. Maybe it had been a good thing they were freshly cleaned and battle ready after all. I honestly hadn’t expected that detail to be relevant to our run.

“The Foot,” Leo snapped, “has expanded two streets in all directions since that meeting,Mikey.” he looked back enough to give me the ol’ angry eye. “Or hadn’t you been paying attention yesterday when I was marking these areas down?”

I didn’t get to respond. The literal reason would be that the ten ninja had lunged at that moment but the secondary reason would be that I couldn’t really think of anything to say to that other than “oops”.

The real practice for that morning should have been ‘how to keep your big beak shut.’

Fortunately for the two of us, the ninja were not really anything special. In fact, by Foot standards they were rather pathetic. If they weren’t complete newbs they were less than a year old in Clan years and hadn’t been too skillfully taught. Like grunts.

“Mike, you better pull behind me, you’re not as practiced,” Leo warned as he took on two of the swordsmen.

I was touched... but mostly offended. Sure, I’d been skimping on the personal training, but I had more important things to be concerned with. Like leveling on Soulcalibur. A turtle must maintain priorities.

“Oh, yeah?” I asked with a laugh. “Well, while I was playing Soulcalibur, I saw some pretty kickass moves that I thought would be just perfect for a situation like this one!” I responded cheekily as I flipped one knife wielding ninja over my shell. “This move was first perfected by the nunchaku master himself, **Maxi!”**

“From that videogame -- MIKE!” he looked behind himself to tell me to stop. His face was horror stricken. 

But that was when I performed the flip from my battle with Lizardman the day before. And it was flippin’ **sweet,** if you ask me. Though no one was more surprised at my pulling it off than my two ninja targets. 

It wasn’t long after that when Leo took out what ninja were left.

We stood there for a moment, taking in the damage and the fact that the sun was piercing the clouds like a spear. 

I was thinking about how our avoidance of the sun made us like less sucky vampires when I noticed Leo had been staring at me the whole time.

“I don’t understand you, Mikey,” Leo sighed.

I looked at him, my cocky grin refusing to leave my face. After all, I was feeling pretty full of myself. I had performed just as good if not better than Mister Practice Makes Perfect himself.

But Leo... Leo was completely serious. He looked at me really sobered up or something, making me quirk a brow.

“I really don’, Mike,” he said again before shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”

I blinked and let him explain what paradigms were.


	5. Shattering

p> **Paradigm**  
Chapter Five: Shattering

I remember being very unhappy for a long time after the incident with Raph in the gym.

It was strange because he had not said anything or even **done** anything in particular that was directed toward me, but he was filled with so much anger... He didn’t have to say or do anything to let me know that I was a part of that, that some of that rage was setting neatly on his shoulders because of me.

Thinking back on the moment, reflecting on really the past weeks of my recovery, begins to make me think that maybe I should take the initiative and call one of my brothers. I mean, Raph’s being a jerk and probably wouldn’t pick up or talk to me if I did call, but Don is probably pacing in the lair by now.

He’s become my mother hen in Leo’s absence.

I like to joke with him that the only reason he’s acting like he cares so much is because he’d hate to see all that work he put into stitching me together go to waste. Sometimes I feel it’s a little more true than I would like. Don always just says, disappointed like, that we can’t shatter as a family any further, that he’ll do everything he can to keep me from breaking off too. 

That’s part of why I’m going to visit Leo. I **do** want us to all be united again.

The car begins to slightly jerk and I’m pulled back into reality, back into the car and the backseat and the tense silence. Joy.

But it’s not April, it’s actually Casey. I guess April has rubbed off more on him than either of them would dare admit -- I can see it in the way he lets his anger build more now rather than flying off the handle in a more Raphael-like rage. 

“I need to use the bathroom, Casey,” April says, quiet but sharp.

“Any suggestions on which tree you like?” he replies just as sharp.

“There’s a rest stop coming up,” April says, her wording neutral but her tone not so much. 

“What was wrong with the gas station?” Casey asks.

An exasperated groan comes from April and she runs one of her hands through her hair. “I didn’t have to go then, Casey. It _happens!_ I don’t know why you’re acting like this.”

I wonder why this stuff is so common for vanilla family sitcoms... or why even I’ve found it cute in the past, when seeing it up close and personal just... reminds me that that stuff’s not real. 

I guess the only common thing between fighting between my two best friends and fighting on a sitcom is that I at least know everything will be okay in the end. 

There’s not much surprise when the car jerks again, but this time into the little side road carrying us to the rest stop. 

“Thanks,” April says with nothing genuine about it, slamming the door behind her. 

Casey watches her for a minute and then, almost comically, smacks his forehead against the steering wheel with a groan... and incidental honk of the horn. 

I swallow and reach forward, grabbing his shoulder. “Case?”

“I’m mad,” he growls. Then, lower, “I also kinda have to go, too...” He looks slightly over his shoulder at me. “Oh uhh... right. Mike. You gotta go, too?” Then, even less confidence, curling his shoulders in slightly. “Uh... you wouldn’t have happened to be... uh... awake for all that right?”

“Yes all around,” I say with a shrug. 

Honestly, the prospect of going isn’t all that inviting. Public restrooms aren’t a ninja’s most comfortable place. But it couldn’t attract more attention to a fully clothed five foot turtle at a urinal than if he was sitting alone in a car, after all. 

“I need the chance to get out anyway,” I reason out loud. 

Casey helps me out of the car a bit, which is great considering how stiff the drive’s made me. And he’s still radiating irritation, but at least it’s fully clear that it has nothing to do with me. I just file behind him and we head off to do business. 

“She’s such an overreactin’...” Casey grumbles, mostly to himself. Though it’s hardly eavesdropping with ninja training.

“Better shift that whole paradigm thing, Casey,” I weigh in. “May lead to a very unhappy married life.”

He gives me a perplexed look. “Huh? Paradigm thing?”

“Yeah, paradigm,” I repeat before looking down. I can feel the cold in my bones, it’s going to be snowing outside. “It’s something I heard about a while ago.”

I can still picture that morning, the Foot defeated, our great victory, Leo standing there beside me. He’s sweaty, determined not to show any tiredness, looking at me. He’s confused by my natural athleticism and I’m perplexed by his apology for it. I can remember things being said about broken paradigms and... those exact words. They’re burned into my brain somehow. 

Looking back at Casey, I explain. “Well. A paradigm is like the image you’ve got of someone. A picture frame. It’s how you always expect that person to be and act and react. Our brains keep that picture like it’s never going to change or move, but they have to. People change and evolve, whether you’re watching it or not. And before you know it, boom. Your picture and the real picture don’t line up anymore. And, sometimes, your picture wasn’t right at all. You’ve gotta change it, see?”

He looks at me, confused but also generally not touched by the information either. Just calmer. “Who told you that stuff.”

I shrug a bit and move to the sink. It’s suddenly really hard to keep eye contact, and I don’t want to think too much on why that is. “Leo told me.”

When Casey doesn’t say anything, I finally can look at him again. He’s just staring at his feet and moves to the sink. He doesn’t ask anymore about it and I don’t really feel like talking about it either.

It’s not really fair. Thinking about the events leading up to the fight have made it easier for me to think about the fight itself. I think I might even want to talk about it by this point, but... maybe Casey and April aren’t the right people to talk about it, too. 

Guess I’ll have to think about who it’ll be then. I guess maybe Leo.

* * *

The shifts of time between mine and Leo’s everyday activities did not get too exciting fro the rest of that day after we fought the Foot. It was rather anticlimactic, really, but that’s just how the days of a Ninja Turtle go sometimes. We have our normalities.

The day after wasn’t too much of a bright spot on my memories either. It proceeded in the same series as the previous day minus some morning run excitement. Leo had decided to reroute he morning trail to incorporate having bumbling, grouchy me tagging along. 

By the end of the day, talks of paradigms and Foot ninja were the furthest thing from my mind. I had _Futurama_ for the afternoon schedule and general decompressing on the couch with Raph and Don included.

Strangely enough, it wasn’t until I had leaped over the couch and landed in the inarguable best spot that I realized Leo wasn’t anywhere near the vicinity. Had it been earlier in the week, I would’ve leaped for joy at the opportunity to get him in trouble for breaking Splinter’s bizarre punishment’s rules, but I was feeling exhausted of his company already.

It’s the kind of love only siblings can have.

“Alright, _Futurama_ night! Raph’s Bender and I’m Fry. Don, you’re Leela! Uh, don’t read too much into that, I meant she has purple hair--”

I barely had time to turn the television on when a heavy overcoat hit my face from the side. I screamed at the surprise of it and wrestled my way out. I whirled around to face the culprit who was, none other, Mr. Leader Himself.

“Hey!” I whined.

“Come on, Mike,” Leo said as he placed on his own fedora. He was already decorated with his own overcoat.

“Come on?” I questioned rather irritably.

“Yeah, we’re leaving,” he said with a strangely content smirk on his face. Was he possibly **enjoying** ruining my evening time? Or did my dear, seemingly calm brother plan something devious with me? I was annoyed either way.

“No, Leo! It’s my turn to pick what we’re doing and I think we should stay home and rot our brains while softening our butts on the couch,” I complained. It didn’t dampen his look one bit, which meant I wasn’t going to win. I groaned. “What’re we doing?”

“Espionage,” he said simply as I put on my costume. “You’ll enjoy it.”

I grumbled. “What about Don and Raph?”

“They have to patrol tonight,” he responded easily enough. He then headed toward the door. “Hurry up, we’ll be late.”

I quirked a brow. Late for espionage? What the hell?

Following him and, against my better judgement, not pelting him with questions about where or why or how, I kept pace with my older brother. He was Mister Mystery, after all. He wouldn’t have told me more than he wanted me to know, and it would’ve kept that infuriating grin on his beak.

While we began to ascend a ladder and through a manhole, we came to the familiar spot I had marked quite a few years ago. I recognized immediately because I used it all the time. It was the back alley to Cinema 45, a retired Broadway House turned movie theater. 

What was so special about the one dinky theater among the hundreds in the city?

Well, the Cinema 45 was given life for the simple purpose of playing cinema classics. You could watch legit classic film, like Turner Classic Movies legit, every few nights on the Cinema Special. There were theme knights like the Star Wars week or The Best of Don Knotts. Just real fun stuff.

I hadn’t been keeping up with the news at the cinema, though, because the life of a turtle might have its normalities but it’s still pretty busy.

Question was, what was Leo’s interests with the theater? The theories I was creating to answer such a question were boggling. 

“Whoa whoa whoa!” I exclaimed before motioning for us both to stop. Leo gave me an expectant, unamused look and put his hands in his pockets. “The Foot are after the movies?” He looked at me dully. “The Purple Dragons? The mafia? Who’s putting the cinema in danger?”

“No one,” he shook his head.

I stared at him, confused. “... what are we sneaking in for then?” I dared to ask.

Leo smirked and pulled out two thick slips of paper from his pockets. Tickets. He waved them teasingly as my jaw dropped down to my chest. I couldn’t believe it! ... And I didn’t know what to believe less: the fact that my brother managed to get tickets or that my non-joking, wet rag brother was **teasing** me.

I shakily reached for one and he let me grab my ticket with little resistance.

“It’s _Young Frankenstein_ ,” Leo explained as he folded his arms. I read the words for myself just to be sure. “It’s my favorite Mel Brooks. Figured it was the one for this week that was worth seeing.”

I looked at him flatly. “Who are you and what have you done to my older brother?”

He laughed and shook his head. “No training tonight, Mikey. I promise. And it **is** me, I’m just trying to break some... well, paradigms, if you will,” he enlightened me. Browlines raised. “You do remember what I told you about them, right?”

“Yes,” I rolled my eyes. I just don’t believe you’ve seen something as unproductive as _Young Frankenstein.”_ I grinned teasingly. “Thanks for the thought, older bro, I’ll enjoy it but you’re about to be bored to tears. Bored. To. Tears.”

He looked slightly offended. “I’ve watched _Young Frankenstein_ before, Mikey. Just because I’m not next to your lazy butt everyday on the couch doesn’t mean I don’t watch movies for pleasure,” he said with a waving finger. It was like a lecture almost. Which made it easier for me to ignore.

“Fine, fine,” I said, mostly to get him off my shell. “Let’s go see it, Dr. Frankenstein.”

A knowing grin came across his face as we neared the ticket booth. It was early enough to not worry about crowds, late enough to let the ticket booth women feel satisfied without getting a good look at us. We entered the doors and Leo leaned toward me.

“To you,” he whispered, “It’s Doctor **Frawnk-in-shtein.** ”

I nearly tripped in surprise at the quote. I whirled around and stared at him only to see his amused laugh as he guided us toward the popcorn stand. He knew what he was talking about... Or so it seemed. I theorized that maybe he had only seen that one scene.

Leo was not the comedy type. He just wasn’t. 

Slyly, I came near him in the line, cloaked in my own trench coat. “Werewolf,” I whispered.

“Werewolf?” Leo continued the dialogue.

“There,” I grinned wildly. He **had** seen it.

“There wolf,” I chimed in.

We both chuckled before looking to each other and finishing the quote. “There castle.”

Laughing, Leo shook his head before looking to me with a bit of a sarcastic grin on his face. “You didn’t think I actually watched it?” he asked. “What’d you think? I’m a liar?” He chuckled to himself as he paid for popcorn. 

“No,” I laughed. “I always pegged you as more of a _Seven Samurai_ kinda guy, Leo.”

He snorted and we headed toward the theater. “I like our rich cultural heritage, Mikey,” he said in that oh, so familiar matter-of-fact voice of his. I listened this time, though. “However, it’s not like it’s the only thing that defines me, you know.”

I looked at him and smiled as we settled into our seats. I believed him.

The movie rolled and we snorted and quoted and laughed and the little figure I held of my brother like a carefully crafted glass began shattering, splintering. It became newer, more whole, an image emerging through the hold. Like a butterfly break through silk.

I can remember lights on the screen flickering for the black and white film. Gene Wilder came to life on the silver screen, and the symphony hummed through the auditorium, like a chant  over candlelight. 

* * *

Not long after I had escaped from Don’s infirmary too many times for him to keep track, he decided to allow me small excursions of energy so long as either he or Master Splinter were around to keep an eye on me and monitor me. Raph was part of the deal but I didn’t consider him, really. He had little interest in me at that point, at least by what I could tell.

One time in particular I will always remember because I got to sit on one of the tatami mats in Master Splinter’s private quarters. He wanted my company and I wanted out of Don’s hair, figuratively speaking of course.

It wasn’t long, though, that my company did not seem to be enough.

Father’s meditations area was encircled with candles, most of which had been burnt to the wick, while I was in there. The entire room was thick with incense, no doubt from the same box that my brothers and I would sneak into as kids and burn for the cool colors and smoke.

Now they burnt in solemn concentration, though. I think in his slight fever and the tiniest hint of sake on his breath, my father forgot me.

Master is not a drunk by any means, but there are some traditions and some situations which call for sake’s consumption.

Now was one of those situations.

Master Splinter gracefully took a long match and proceeded in lighting each individual candle. His eyes were lightly closed and his ears perked. He seemed completely alert yet completely outside of himself at the exact same time. It was unlike anything I had seen before.

Then he hummed an old chant, the Japanese muttered just low enough I could discern the language. His accent was thick, thicker than usual. I couldn’t follow more than the bits and pieces, but my head was still hurting.

“Yoshi-sensei...” I heard him whisper as his knees reached the meditation mat. His head tilted back, looking toward the glittering candles surrounding us, taking in the smell of the incense and the beauty of the swirling smokes. I felt like I was not supposed to be there. This was sensei’s private time.

“Yoshi-sensei,” father repeated before continuing to speak to the fallen spirit in their native tongue.

I focused hard, tried to understand. 

“Guide my son’s spirit,” he whispered. “It is lost and broken. We need him with us now. We need him to be whole once more. We need him to unite our battered family. Aid us, my master.”

Holding my breath, I continued to stare. 

Even then I was wondering if he was talking about Leo... or me.


	6. The Glass Box

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Six: The Glass Box

I had been extremely excited when Leo and I returned home from the movie. I had seen one of my favorites, ate some popcorn, and snorted and laughed at lewd jokes with the one brother I never thought I’d be able to do those things with. 

I was lying in my bed after that, trying to sleep but not really able to. It was that I was more confused than I was tired.

One of the greatest parts of our family was how we were all close. For the first major part of our lives the only ones we had were each other. Even before we had enemies we had family. Those bonds were everything. 

So, naturally, you really think you know someone who shared that kind of bond with you. But... breaking these paradigm things... well, it meant I could be wrong about someone.

It meant I could be wrong about **everything.**

Raph was always the one who was infamous for not wanting to be wrong, Leo not far behind him. Don and I were usually a lot more temperamental on the subject. But it didn’t mean we had our limits. 

I was the people person. I was everyone’s buddy. I didn’t want to be wrong about one of my brothers. 

But that wasn’t the only issue that bothered me. If I was wrong, it wouldn’t be the end of everything. It wasn’t devastating or anything. But it continued to eat at me all the way into morning. I felt like it wasn’t just that I changed a piece of the puzzle I had in my mind... it was that I was seeing a new piece of a brand new puzzle all together. 

And it was intimidating. 

When the clock on the wall ticked down to five in the morning, I sighed and edged myself off the bed. There was still this daze I was carrying before my vision.

Pushing myself out of the bed and heading toward the lair, I got ready for weapons cleaning with Leo. I expected, as per usual, that my light-sleeping older brother would already be waiting on me, using the sharpening block on his sword, ready for mundane morning conversation. 

So I was shocked when I didn’t find him there. 

Confused, I looked around he dojo. Leo’s swords were still on the wall so he hadn’t left without me or anything. I entertained the idea that he had finished his weapons cleaning early and decided to go to the kitchen to wait on me, but the trash was empty of oil rags. 

Was it possible that our leader had overslept?

“Nah,” I voiced after the preposterous idea came to mind. “Leo wouldn’t oversleep even if he’d been drugged.”

My paradigms could be breaking left and right, but there were some things that were just indisputable fact.

I considered that my clock was wrong and began to check down the hallway for Don’s supposed nuclear clock... and found it was at the same time. It was then _five twenty-five_ and I was getting antsy.

Panic was nipping at the back of my mind, I worried about what possible demons could possibly have the power to keep Leo from his schedule and sprinted toward him. 

In my mind I had already decided Leo must be dead, the only explanation there was to keep Leo from performing his duties to the Clan. 

When I rushed toward his door, however, I nearly ran him over. Leo looked just as surprised as I did, but his expression quickly morphed to a smirk and he caught me by shoulders, stopping our plastrons from running together. He was fine. If not completely amused by my behavior.

“Whoa there, Mikey,” he chuckled. “Don’t run me over.”

I stared, positively stunned. 

Then, I put my hands on my hips and waved a hand in front of his beak. “Are you sick or something?” I asked critically. “It was cold last night and you didn’t even wear a scarf out. You know better than--”

He cocked an eye ridge at me. “No,” he interrupted me. “I’m not sick. I actually feel pretty great today.”

That, however, was not good enough for me. “Are you dead? Like a ghost or something haunting me?” I continued.

He laughed, confusion drawn pretty clearly on his face. “No, Mike.” He folded his arms and sort of tipped his head to the side, giving me an awkward grin. “Why are you asking?”

“Because,” I continued, “It’s like five thirty by now and you’re just now coming out of your room.”

“Hmm, I see,” he nodded, face somehow managing to be stern and serious in that very familiar way. “I know what time it is, but I thought you could use a break from the morning sessions. I was just about to go turn your alarm off so it wouldn’t wake you. But... I guess I’m a little late on the uptake.” He smiled softly. “Sorry you woke up so early for nothing.”

For a moment, all I could do was blink. Then, I snorted. “You **should** be sorry,” I said in mock anger. “Got more words of wisdom for me or do I get to go back to finish my beauty sleep?”

He laughed. “You need it.”

Walked into that one. Leo had been around me far too long.

“But no, I’m afraid I don’t have any more wisdom to share with you, Mike,” he expressed. “I just need to think some more about the night and. Well. Just things.” He flicked his wrist casually. “Paradigms, I guess.”

I felt my stomach uneasily churn at he subject. “You’re practically an expert already,” I reasoned. “What more do you need to know?”

“Hmm,” he hummed to himself again, lowering his arms to his sides. “I suppose just how to make sure it’s the best image to have of someone possible. To not have such a negative spin. Remember how I said they’re also images of what we hold of ourselves as well as others?”

“Vaguely,” I lied. I could remember every word even then. 

“Well, I’m thinking maybe that maybe definition says _ourselves_ first for a reason.”

I frowned and cocked my head to the side. “How so?” 

“Well, I just keep picturing the ones of ourselves being like little glass boxes around us,” he said, edging on so much philosophical rambling he was losing me. But I enjoyed that glitter of something in his eyes. “If our view of ourselves is not clear or if it’s too restricting, maybe the wrong shape all together, it would be really hard to see others for who they are, wouldn’t it?”

It somehow made sense. A little.

“You reading _Chicken Soup for the Teenage Turtle Soul_ or something there, Leo?” I laughed.

He smiled back, but it was in a way that made my laugh die in my throat a little. It was almost like he was disappointed.

“I wish,” he admitted. “But I am reading something Donny and I found on the internet that’s interesting. Just some philosophy stuff.”

I didn’t bite on the bait, though. It’s just one of those moments where your actions have no logical explanation. I should have taken it, but I just shook my head and laughed at the generous offer as if it was a larger joke between the two of us. 

“I’d rather not, Leo,” I admitted. “It sounds rather dry for my tastes. I’ll just head back to bed before practice.”

“Okay...” he replied, pausing upon doing so. “Get a good sleep for practice.”

I told him that I could handle it and headed off to my room once again. I felt very good at that point. I had gotten the answer to what was bothering me, more or less: I needed to know a little bit about how I viewed myself in order to understand my brothers more.

I would eventually take Leo up on that reading, it was just much later, after he was left at the farm. 

* * *

I hobbled into the living room as I did every day. Don said my shin was healing surprisingly well despite my insistence about not staying in bed and allowing it to rest. I told him that it was further evidence of how my time of unconsciousness had been enough catching up on rest.

He hadn’t said anything to me as I used my crutches to “walk” past his lab, though he did give me an unappreciative eye. Not that I cared. I somewhat enjoyed getting on his nerves nowadays.

What was it that they say? The people you’re closest to are the ones you’re the hardest on?

When I reached the living room there was not really much of a surprise to find that none other than Raphael was brooding on the couch. He stared forward with a vigorous determination to not give me the pleasure of a glance. I didn’t really care all that much anymore. I had gotten used to the treatment by then.

It was funny how uninviting the situation was. Not so long ago I was the one hogging the couch, but I would be begging Raph to join me. Not how Raph is now. Radiating with his need for isolation.

What time he didn’t spend brooding through alone time in the dojo or on the streets was on the couch.

Fortunately for me, that day I was not interested in the couch or the television screen.

I had some business to attend to at the other half of the living room.

Wasting little time, I made my way over to the office space where Leo had spent most of his own time. I felt chills go down my arms and I had to stop. Stare at it. That was Leo’s space, he never kept us out of it but that was only because we already knew that it was off limits.

It was our little sign of respect to him and even if he was at the farm, far away from home, not using this space was still my base instinct.

Every fiber of my being was telling me to turn away and leave the office alone. All but one, that is.

I listened to the one.

Reaching the desk, I quietly slid behind it. My gaze shifted uneasily between the desk and back of Raph’s head. There was a sense of uneasiness in the room, this was something I was not supposed to do. I didn’t know how Raph would react.

Assured that everything was going to work out, Raph in the least didn’t **know** what I was doing, I turned my full attention to the desk. 

Biting on my lip, I carefully opened the desk drawer. It was, of course, neatly organized beyond fault. I sighed. Typical Leo, but at least it would be helpful in finding the book. I know the organization was more for himself than for anyone else, but I was glad for once that he was a bit of a freak like that. 

My fingers gently moved around the papers and notebooks and books and folders. The drawer wasn’t the one and I cursed over it before continuing to the next drawer. 

As usual my crutches were simply making the entire situation awkward so I sat back in the creaking chair before going through yet another drawer. I grinned happily. My search was complete! I found the paperclipped print papers titled _Seeing Another Side._

Paradigms.

That was when I felt myself being turned around in the chair to face Raph. He looked angry, horrified, offended. Everything at once, toward me. **Again.**

“The **hell!?”** he hissed.

I swallowed. But I wasn’t scared. He wouldn’t do anything to me.

“I’m getting this book,” I said slowly. “...Leo told me to read it one day.”

Turning away, Raph reached over me and closed the drawers with such tenderness... it was strange to see his tensed, nerved muscles, twitching with anger, move with such absolute gentleness. But it was completely understandable.

When he didn’t move after the next few moments, I did. I left but not because I was scared.

I didn’t get as easily scared anymore. Not since I broke my own paradigm.

* * *

Raph’s grin was the most intimidating thing I knew when I was growing up. I can remember being a little kid and having to spar him. He was always a bit more developed than the rest of us and he didn’t care to remind us of it. He would throw his weight around and knock every one of us down when he could. Really, only Leo could keep up with him and that was only with years of training. 

Seeing my brother as a much bigger, more muscular teenager with that same intimidating smirk facing me was **not** the best way to start a sparring practice. 

He spun his sai and I gulped. He knew that he had me scared out of my shell and he was fully prepared to use it to his advantage. He always did. 

No amount of mellowing out in recent years helped him with his infamous image. And I’m saying that as arguably his best friend of the four of us.

“What’s the matter, Mikey?” he laughed before charging. I screamed and blocked before backing up again. “Don’t wanna spar?” 

“No,” I muttered in reply. “Just don’t feel like dying is all.”

He laughed he really fake, throaty laugh of his. He always uses that when he knows he’s got someone on the run. It kills me that it works at all. 

Leo and Don were sparring beside us and I could hear Leo’s signature groan in response to said laugh. He had grievances with Raph’s tactics.

“Raphael!” Master Splinter snapped from the medication mats. He held up a warning finger and narrowed his eyes. “Less of this nonsense. Focus on bettering your skills, not your personas.”

I let out a whine. Now I knew what was going to happen.

With a shrug, Raph acted as if the reactions from Leo and Splinter had not fueled something even if we all knew better. “Skills, Master Splinter? If you **insist!”** he grinned.

In less than a minute, after two unsuccessful blocked hits and one kick to the stomach, I found myself sliding back on my shell toward Don and Leo’s arena. I moaned as I skidded to a halt and tried to collect my breath. 

I wasn’t really hurt. We knew how to pull punches in spars. Not to mention, being Raph’s number one buddy gave me something of a special pass with him in these sessions. 

It did not mean I wanted to get back in the fight with him anytime soon, though.

Suddenly, there was a hand extended in front of my face and I had to blink at it dumbly for a few seconds before processing it. I looked up and stared at Leo’s face as he waved his hand slightly, trying to draw my attention back to it.

“Come on, Mikey,” Leo sighed. I took his hand and he hoisted me to my feet effortlessly.

I sighed, fully expecting yet another one of his lectures. I was surprised when it didn’t come. Instead, he patted my shell and gave me a stern, flat look with a nod.

“You can do better,” he said simply before returning to his own spar with Don.

I blinked again. Did he mean that idiot move I played during the Foot fight? he honestly was not asking me to do video game moves before Master Splinter was he? No, no. I shook my head. That wasn’t it. He meant something else, surely.

Looking back to Raph, seeing his smug expression, I narrowed my eyes. Raph shouldn’t be that confident that he could beat me, really. Seriously. I had learned everything he new. I was just as good as him. Really! 

“You can forfeit, Mike,” he offered cheekily.

“So can you!” I said just as confidently before spinning my chucks. 

Raph raised an eye ridge before laughing. He rushed forward and I waited. I was beginning to feel my stomach flutter but I knew I could do it. I knew I could do **better.** Leo had told me so and I trusted his judgment. 

When Raph charged, I adjusted myself and allowed his charge to reach about two feet in front of me. In the chains of my nunchucks, I entangled the forked ends of both of his sai. He looked shocked I grinned.

twisting my wrist with a quick snap, I pulled the sai directly from his hands and pulled him forward. He lost his step and I moved out of the way, allowing him to collide with the ground with a harsh smack. 

“Good job, Mikey,” i heard Leo praise from behind us.

I grinned at Raph toothily. “Not so high and mighty now, are we?” I questioned.

“Dumb luck, Bro,” Raph shot back, but he was grinning. It was the benefit of being in his soft spot. 

It was almost immediately that Master called practice to an end and I felt strangely exhilarated. I had stunned myself, but it was the sort of accomplishment I could get used to feeling. 

“Nice fight, Mike!” Don exclaimed before patting my shell and holding onto my shoulder as he grinned. “Great way to start off the _Star Wars_ marathon, right?”

“Oh, shell!” I smacked myself in the head. “I had completely forgotten, Don!” 

Leo walked over from talking to Raph. It apparently ended well because neither one was swearing at the other yet. He looked to me and Don, smiling softly. “Good fight, Mikey. You should really have that marathon with Don as a reward.”

I shook my head and grinned. “Yeah, well, that would mean you had to watch it, too, Leo,” I reminded him. I quirked my brows and grinned. “I know for a _fact_ that you aren’t a big fan.”

He laughed. “True, but you deserve it, Mike.”

“We can do it another time,” Don offered. “I forgot you guys were still grounded. It really hasn’t felt much like you guys are actually **punished** with this treatment so it’s hard to remember.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “We’ll do it in a week or two. You and I were going to work on scrolls today, right, Leo?”

I saw Leo’s brow furrow, as if he did not understand what we were saying or what I was offering. It was strange. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. “I can do those on my own, Mike,” he said in a ‘that’s final’ tone. “You won’t have any fun with it. You’d prefer the marathon.”

Don and Raph suddenly seemed disinterested. Don said he’d get the movies and headed out while Raph said he was going to call up Casey and went out the other direction. I stared at the cold glare Leo had on and realized the subtext of the conversation we were having. 

He thought I would have more fun with Don than him. 

But it wasn’t true. I had been having lots of fun with Leo! I couldn’t really understand what he was going on about, why he would think I wouldn’t enjoy his company after all we’d done together so far. 

Then, suddenly, it occurred to me that when Leo had been talking about glass boxes, he wasn’t talking about **me** being the one trapped. 


	7. How It Begins

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Seven: How It Begins

We crossed the rooftops in silence. I still had trouble believing what I had uncovered in practice earlier that day. I kept looking over my shoulder, looking Leo over, checking his demeanor. It was hard to really read him, though.

The fact that the sun was just then setting and happened to glaze across the surface of his body, silhouetting him in the rose sky, did not help either. All I could see was his outline move across the rooftops.

“Geeze, you ever going to rest, Leo?” I asked as I skidded to a halt, stopping the training run to Leo’s obvious annoyance. After all, we had only separated from Don and Raph for the team practices a few minutes ago.

“Yes, when this training is complete,” he said shortly. I could see his eye ridges come together. “If you wanted to have fun then you should have watched that Star Trek marathon with Don earlier. Like I **told** you to.”

I laughed.

“That would be Star **Wars** there, Spock-for-brains,” I retorted before softening my smile somewhat. “And I didn’t want to. Some days are good for it and others just aren’t, y’know?”

“No,” he muttered before tensing and spinning about, swords at the ready.

Seeing his alertness, I removed my chucks only to find the flutter of wings filled the air. Leo straightened in front of me as the flock of birds moved from the building level under us. They moved fast, becoming a single blot in the sky moving away from us before I could even really process it.

I smirked. “I like watching those nasty little things.”

Leo huffed and returned his swords to his sheathes, but he had a solemn smile. “’Nasty little things’ is right. They’re not quite as fetching as birds outside of the city,” he mused before looking back to them. They were hardly apparent in the sunset by then. “Like at the farm.”

“Ah, Leo,” I shook my head before stepping closer to him. “What are you so jumpy for? It’s like you’re expecting heads to roll or something.”

“I kind of am,” he sighed in admittance before looking at me. “I am so tired of feeling like the Foot is breathing down my neck. They’re always there, I can feel them enclosing us... and there’s nothing I can do about it except keep it down on paper.” He shook his head and looked back.

“I’d never forgive myself if I slipped and let one of you get hurt.”

I frowned. “You’re cutting us a little short, aren’t you, Bro?” I asked. 

“You’re cutting the Foot short,” He snorted in reply.

“So? We’ll cross that bridge as we get to it, Leo,” I reasoned. “You know what we all need? A vacation from the stress of the city. We need to go to the beach.” I slowly began to grin wider. “Oh, yeah! The beach! That’d be so great!”

He laughed. “So I could work up my nerves trying to make sure you guys didn’t get caught by a scientist or cause some sort of Sea Monster riot?” He smiled at me. “I’d prefer to go to the farm.”

“Oh?” I asked.

“Sometimes,” he sighed, “I feel like it’s the only place in the world where I’ll ever be at peace... and still be safe...” he looked at me once more. “You understand?”

I did.

* * *

There are times when your body just shuts off from being so utterly exhausted and, in so many words, this is precisely what happened to me after about twenty minutes more in the care.

I am still wide awake, sprawled out on the backseat. I think I’m even snoring some, though. My chest is so heavy even when I just breathe. Eyes closed -- really there’s not a good argument for saying I’m awake other than I can hear everything around me.

Still, I’m somehow aware of how April is staring at me, a little sadly. Like I’m a lost child, that I need a hug.

Maybe I **do** need a hug?

“We’re almost there,” Casey suddenly speaks up, a little more cautious in tone than what’s usual for our Space Case. It’s kind of surprising. 

“That’s good,” April sighs before reaching back, stroking my hand. There’s a small noise from the back of her throat, as if she’s holding something back. “He looks so weak, Casey...”

If not for the aforementioned body protesting, I would have snapped back. I’m so tired of being mothered -- Splinter, Don, April -- they need to stop.

Leo’s the only one who really ever got the whole mothering thing down without making feel like an idiot. Raph has his moments, but it’s nothing like Leo.

“I can’t believe what that fight has done to him... he’s so... introverted,” she sighs. “And... and poor Leo.”

She strokes my hand, making me acutely aware of how cold and numb the rest of my body feels. It’s an old, familiar touch... which reminds me of why she’s in a mothering mode.

April didn’t get to see Leo off either, stuck with an unconscious me in the Lair.

Inwardly, I admit she’s earned the right to mother me a bit.

“Everything will be alright...” Casey assures her before shifting loudly in the front. April’s hand leaves mine and I can feel the brush of Casey’s rougher fingers as he takes her fingers into his. “I’m sorry, Babe. I would never want a fight to be the last thing you heard from me... I’ve really been thinking more about it lately. It’s not the way to treat people you love.”

“I’m sorry, too, Casey,” April agrees, voice a little watery. “You **are** right.”

Their conversation continues, but it’s private, not for my ears. I close my eyes tighter and just think.

They’ll be fine... But their fights aren’t anything like what Leo and me went through. I don’t know how much I can deserve forgiveness for what we withstood.

I suppose the only way to try is to think it through from the beginning...

* * *

We both sat at Master Splinter’s side and smiled at how content he seemed. We knew this was the end of a long punishment period, we knew that we would have freedom. We could see how clearly happy Master was with our progress and nothing could have felt better than making our father pleased. 

“You have learned well this week, my sons?” our father questioned.

“We have, Sensei,” we both responded readily.

He nodded in acknowledgement. “I am happy to hear, my sons. What have you learned?”

I laughed, I had to go first. Leo grinned at me though he did his best to look warning. I ignored him successfully. “I must say, Master, you have chosen a leader who has a secret urging for raunchy film and sketchy comedy numbers!”

Splinter chuckled. “Is that so, Michelangelo?”

“Oh, yeah.”

Master Splinter rubbed his chin thoughtfully as Leo reached over and flicked the back of my head playfully. So much for him attempting to act honorable before our father. Splinter looked to him more intently next. “Your experiences taught you what, Leonardo?”

Leo smiled and straightened more. “I’ve learned, Master, that you may want to invest some more time into Michelangelo,” Leo explained. “He is a natural in many of the aspects of ninjitsu that I have to work time and time again to master.”

“A large claim, Leonardo,” Splinter smiled before looking at me. “Does the truth meet the claim?”

I nervously laughed. “I hope so.”

“Very well, my sons,” Splinter nodded. “I am very pleased with the progress as a family you have made in this time. Very proud in fact. I hope you shall continue to advance upon the bonds you have made. I hope you shall continue to evolve the images of each other that you have created.”

“Yes, Sensei,” we agreed before bowing to him.

“You are free of your punishment,” he finished.

With that we left and shoved each other around jokingly. It was simple fun. It was brotherly. I would give anything to do it again, to be so free of worries -- to be free of each other yet wanting to be around each other at the same time.

“What are we going to do now?” I asked. “We practiced last night so we don’t **really** need to go out on another practice run or patrol,” I continued to reason, seeing his resistance. “If you wanted to bad enough, you could just send Raph and Don, y’know.”

“I don’t know, Mikey,” he said lowly. “I’d rather finally be allowed to work on individual skills after all this time. 

I shook my head. “Uh-uh, you’re a worse liar than Don,” I laughed. “Admit it: you’d like to be lazy for **one** night with your favorite brother!”

“But Don’s so busy,” Leo said almost thoughtfully.

“Hardy har,” I snorted. “C’mon, Leo -- to celebrate? I’ll never make you do it again! I promise!” I pouted my lip and batted my eyes.

He rolled his.

Then he sighed, I could see him churning on the inside, negotiating all the different responsibilities on his mind. He groaned. “What for?” he muttered.

I grinned. I loved it when I won.

“Battle Ship!” I demanded.

“Make it chess and we have a deal,” he grinned.

“Baby,” I joked before nodding my head.

I watched as he walked off to tell Don and Raph, scrambled to get the chess set from under the living room’s coffee table. Raph and Don walked by with Leo chasing after them with advice and directions -- so on and so forth, same old Leo.

“In the very least stay five blocks from Main,” he continued to press as they headed out the door. “They’re very heavy in that area. Don’t attack if you come across them, though. It’s no doubt an ambush -- their numbers have increased dramatically.”

“For the love of -- Leo! Back off! We get it!” Raph groaned.

“I’ll keep Raphael under control,” Donny promised. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Leo,” I yelled out. “Get in here before they practice on **you!”** I could hear the others snicker. But it worked, as Leo eventually came toward the living area.

“That was very important, Mike,” he expressed his annoyance clearly.

I shook the chess set. “So is this!”

“Goof.”

“Hard-shelled!”

We grinned at each other before heading to the table. I got out the pieces and Leo set them up and talked battle strategies that he was going to use on me through the game. I stared at him and did my best to soak in everything he was telling me.

“Telling me your plans isn’t all that smart, Leo,” I said with a shake of my finger. “Poor choice, really.”

Leo grinned at me. “Do you remember anything I just said?”

My beak twitched some in annoyance back. He was too damn cocky sometimes. He was right usually, too. I guess that’s why it was so frustrating. It was exactly what got under Raph’s skin so bad.

“No,”I finally admitted.

“That’s why I do it,” he mused before making the first move.

There was a reason why Master Splinter chose to give so much of the battle tactics work to Leo. Don might have been our all-around genius, but he couldn’t hold a candle to Leo when it came to strategy. When the last straw came, Don was never one for making sacrifices.

Leo was like the Chunin, Splinter’s right hand man and successor. He had been trained in these areas.

Suffice it to say, I lost.

“Checkmate,” Leo grinned as he moved his knight forward. 

“Ass,” I hissed. “I like Battle Ship better anyway.

He rolled his eyes. “Get it out then,” he sighed. “I’ll just beat you at that, too.”

I grinned and rushed toward the living room again. I mentally questioned why all our games were in there if we played them on the kitchen table, but my train of thought was lost as the lair door slammed open.

“GREAT ADVICE, LEADER!” Raphael roared as he and Don entered. “Lead us straight into a lion’s den!”

Leo’s chair hit the ground and he rushed as fast as he could to oversee how our brothers had fared. I was relieved to see only minor scratches and bruises, nothing like what we had seen before in worse encounters.

But Leo was still not happy.

“What happened!?” he demanded.

“We went where you told us,” Don assured him. “Didn’t even get close to the perimeter.”

“Was it a scouting party?” he pressed.

“If it was, they got some good scouting done,” I joked.

“Can it, Mike!” Leo snapped without ever so much as looking at me. He was in Leader Mode.

“No, full fledged ambush,” Raph growled.

“You sure?” 

“They had a freaking **Elite** with them!” Raph hissed. “Got outta there before he could get a shot at us.”

“Sounds like a week to stay home then,” I piped up.

Leo turned to me, furious at the information as much as my unserious manner. He pointed a thick index finger at my beak. “Grow up, Mike. Right now is not the time to be acting like some sort of hatchling.”

He took off for the office and Raph took off after him -- whether he was going to raise to my defense or snap off some more for Leo’s lack of foresight was beyond me.

I just stood there. I was so... disappointed.

It was like we were back exactly where we started. 


	8. Conflict Solved?

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Eight: Conflict Solved?

To say I was irritated in the days to come would have been quite the understatement. 

In my defense, it is not real nice to build a good relationship -- a good brotherly relationship -- with someone if you cannot be consistent with how you act in it. I always, always **always** made sure I gave my brothers equal amounts of annoying antics because they expected it. It was my universal sign of affection. 

As soon as Leo had heard that the Food was expanding well beyond his expectations, he crowded down in the office extension and didn’t move for about two days. He barely said anything to anyone, especially me.

He seemed so worried about something.

It was like chess, I guess. Leo had his pieces and so did the Foot. He wanted to win with all his might, few people liked to win like Leo did, but there was a major issue that dampened that hope of his no matter how much he ingeniously maneuvered it.

The Foot had a lot more pieces -- the had dozens of pawns that they did not have to be overly concerned with losing. Leo was trying to play a game where he couldn’t spare anyone.

He could spare, however, conversation.

For the first day, I left him alone for the most part and respected that privacy he held so dear. After all, he was only looking out for us, it wasn’t like he was purposefully isolating me -- at least, that’s what I kept telling myself. 

As we ran through the hours of the second day, however, I was less compliant with my own common sense. I was certain that Leo was now ignoring me, and only me. Just that day Don and Raph could go in, talk “business” and whatnot, but I couldn’t get even a thank you as I brought him food and water.

At around eight o’clock in the evening of the second day, I was unyielding in my own stubbornness and I had refused to get Leo’s dinner for him -- he had two legs, right?

When Leo came to my room to check on me -- or to find out why I had not been waiting on him, in any case -- I arrogantly declared within myself that I was not going to please him with a response.

So I opened my GameDude and turned the volume up. I looked slightly over the top when he entered, but then went straight back to my screen. He was frowning at me, disappointed. 

He crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side. All I could think was how douchey it made him look. 

“You alright, Mike?” he asked in what I took to be fake sincerity.

I didn’t answer.

Instead, I just kept clicking away, dying over and over again on a level I could probably beat in my sleep if I tried to.

Leo then let out a small noise and I caught him out of the corner of my eye shaking his head. “That mad at me?” he asked.

Click click click.

“Oh, come off it, Mike,” Leo ordered harshly as he glared at me. He waited a minute for my response, which, of course, did not come. I don’t think he was expecting me to act that way and, for once was not sure what to do. “I had to work, Mike. You can’t get mad at me for that.”

I stared at him more directly then. His brow furrowed and I raised my eye ridge.

“Do you want me to say I’m sorry?” he asked harshly, almost angrily. He narrowed his eyes. “You want me to apologize for doing what I could to make sure that our family doesn’t get boxed in by our enemies? For making sure you and everyone else is okay?”

That just made me roll my eyes. I figured that he’d be justifying himself and turned a little more to the side, looking more toward the all than to my brother. Click click click. Game over.

Stupid game.

In a sense I knew it was me and not the game. I was too aggravated to play, but I kept on. I couldn’t just take everything happening for what it really was.

Which was why it surprised me when Leo spoke up again.

“... I **am** sorry.”

When I sawllowed, I made certain that he would not hear it. I wouldn’t risk him realizing how much he absolutely shocked me at that moment. Every nerve in my body felt a bit numbed at the shock and somewhat ashamed for underestimating how large of a character my brother had. 

None of that felt big compared to my bitterness, though.

He had apologized; it should have been more than enough to satisfy whatever petty feelings I was experiencing. Looking back at it, I want to go back and make it enough, embrace the moment for what it was. But I can’t. I didn’t.

I can’t tell you what more I wanted other than for Leo to feel bad.

After waiting for my reply, Leo grunted to himself. Then, I heard the final straw. 

“So childish.”

I gritted my teeth before quickly pushing myself to a sitting position. I glared at him with such anger and hurt that I could see on his face that he realized his mistake. I was so tired of that thought dwarfing all his other feelings about me, that he looked down at me for it _still.  
_

Just because I enjoy a lighter side of things, just because I’m not brooding and obsessive, just because I enjoy a laugh does **not** make me a child to be looked down upon. 

“You know what, Leo? Screw you!” I snapped. “I might be a lot of things, but at least I am not a stuck up mother hen! You’re not our parent, y’know? I’m just as old as you! I’m just as grown up as you, I just don’t walk around like I have a rod in my shell!”

Leo did what he usually did in these situations. He hardened his face and stood there, straight and unreadable. “I know,” he said lowly.

For the life of me I still couldn’t figure out why I just couldn’t be satisfied with his answers. I don’t know what more validation I wanted. I just knew that Leo would never be able to figure out what I wanted and that was frustrating me.

“Forget it!” I growled, tossing my GameDude to the bed and pushing past Leo.

At first I didn’t sense him coming after me, I think maybe he was expecting me to stay within the lair. That was when I decided that I needed out. I couldn’t think through my decision any further than I wanted away from my family -- especially Leo.

As I reached the door, I heard him coming after me. “Mikey, what the hell?” he demanded. “Don’t leave the lair!”

“Stop telling me what to do, Leo!” I growled before pushing forward.

The arguments ensuing are more of a blur than anything else, but I was hell bent on getting to the surface -- I needed air, I needed to feel like I was not stuck in the pressure cooker of our home, of the sewers, of Leo’s vicinity.

But he would not leave no matter how far I went.

A block into my escape he attempted to tackle me so he could drag me back home. I got myself out of that within an instant. He growled some more and leaped after me, I ran backward and shook my head. His eyes narrowed in aggravation and I grinned. 

I was feeling a little better just seeing him aggravated and frustrated. 

He snorted as I came to a stop. He was so angry and I just **loved** to press those buttons a little further. It was what I did best, after all. I twas like my own form of revenge. So I waved for him to rush forward at me. 

He didn’t take the invitation, though.

“Stop,” he said lowly. “We’re already in the red zone. Let’s just go home before anything else happens that we regret.”

I rolled my eyes. “Like what, Leo? I kick your sorry shell?”

“Like you get your sorry shell handed to you by a Foot ninja, now knock it off,” he hissed irritably. “I know you’re mad at me, Mikey. Hell. I probbaly deserve it. I know I’m not the easiest turtle to get along with, but I really just want to get you home right now before you get hurt.” He looked at me desperately. “ **Please.”**

I stared at him.

A grin etched onto my face. “You’re not that hard to get along with, Leo,” I assured him. “When you’re not shoving your swords up your rear you’re actually rather pleasant to be with.”

He shook his head and huffed. “Yeah, so pleasant that I drive my brothers to foolish antics, rushing off into enemy territory in some sort of pissing competition.” He looked at me, for the first time, I noticed just how tired he looked -- he hadn’t slept in days. “Let’s just go home, what do you say?”

I bit my lip as I realized the stupidity of what I’d done. Shell. I knew what a bad idea this had been yet I could not retain my senses until at that moment.

“I really could have kicked your shell, though,” I laughed. “Did you see me? You couldn’t lay a hand on me.”

“Who said I was trying?” Leo retorted with a fling of his hand. He smiled sarcastically. “I was letting you get away the whole time.”

“Bull,” I replied before walking over to him. I sighed. “Sorry that I had a moment of insanity back there.”

“Me, too,” he nodded before turning and putting his arm over my shoulders. “Let’s go home before anything else happens,” He suggested as we walked toward the manhole.

In that moment, I knew everything would be alright between us.

It was when we both stiffened and separated, weapons drawn, looing into the shadows of the alley that I became less sure. Ninja emerged, all with blades, wearing the tell-tell Foot emblem on their garb, that I knew that there was one thing Leo would never forgive me for...

... How could he forgive me for this fight? The one that would break up our family?

* * *

I laid my head back against the brick wall and watched as Raph continued to punish himself. He took his unrelenting rage out against his decorated punching bag. He hit and kicked without any acknowledgement of my presence. I just stared at the bag.

I watched the swing, the dancing Foot emblem on its surface.

I closed my eyes and sighed. I had done this every day for a while at that point. In one sense I was hoping that pretty soon Raph would give me the satisfaction of admitting I was still alive. In another sens I had an open ended question about the emblem.

“There you are,” Don’s voice loftily woke me from my thoughts. I looked up to see my brother standing over me with a tired, worried expression. He was not angry, though. He had finally accepted my need to get out of the blood stained infirmary and my memory-filled room.

He slid down against the wall, coming to a rest beside me.

I sighed and leaned against him, my head tiredly on his shoulder. I was exhausted from thinking over and over again about the present. I twas almost more depressing than obsessing over the past.

He gently put his arm around me and hugged, kept me secure. I needed it so bad right then... to feel someone see just **me** when I walked around and not the trouble I had caused. What I’d gotten Leo and me into.

At that point, Master was still too grieved to see my own time of need.

“Why do you come here every day?” Don asked in curiosity. He paused before adding, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

I sighed and looked at the punching bag again. Watching the emblem swing... swing... swing...

“Is that... the one?” I asked as I looked at it.

He paused. Sighed. Then he nodded. “Yeah... it is...”

I scowled slightly, staring at it. “Raph got him?”

There was another pause. Then, “Yes. Yes, he did.”

I nodded and leaned back more easily.

“Good.”


	9. Trapped

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Nine: Trapped

I remember sitting beside Don in the absolute silence of the room. He didn’t want to say anything, he already knew what was on my mind. No one else had come out of their rooms yet besides the two of us. It was almost noon.

After six months of hell, I guess one could argue that Master and Raph deserved to sleep in. The problem was I don’t think Master Splinter had slept much no matter what time of day it was. 

As for Raph... I just knew that he was awake. I knew this mostly because I knew he had yet to actually go to bed.

That day had made six months, only Donny and I were in the lair’s corridors.

I was getting around well. My leg, by some otherworldly or mutated miracle had healed and all that was left of the night were the scars riddling my body. They kind of made me look like... well, Frankenstein’s monster.

Don knew that I was healed. He also knew that this meant that I no longer needed a doctor.

I think he was questioning whether or not I needed him. Or, at least, he might under his concern for what was coming next.

“Are you hungry?” he asked dryly. Just... easing the ice open rather than breaking it outright. “I can make you something to eat.”

“No,” I responded truthfully. I began to wring my hands awkwardly and watched as Don turned away from me. He didn’t want the conversation to even start.

But I had to know.

“How did Leo...” I began only to stop and bite my lip. How does one start a conversation like this? “After the fight...”

He wouldn’t look at me and I suddenly felt crushed. Had I possibly broken the last true brotherly connection I had left in the family? Had I pressed Donny simply too far this time? Why couldn’t I have waited for another day?

“I always... thought after that much blood loss...” Don spoke up slowly, his voice fading into pauses as he concentrated on each word, “... I always thought we’d look... pale... like white.”

I didn’t understand.

Don bit his lip. “Leo and you... were **sallow**... yellow... sick looking...”

It was a lovely visual, but i was not what I wanted. No, I wanted something much deeper than what he was going to tell me at that point.

Sucking it up some and overcoming that anxiety, I sighed and looked at my brother very seriously, something I had been getting much better at over the months. He stared downward, trying but failing to hide that flicker in his eye.

“Did Leo say anything before he left?” I demanded.

Don released a quick sigh. It wasn’t really aggravation but it wasn’t relief either. “Yes,” he replied shortly.

I stared at him, hardening myself to his ridiculous answers. I wasn’t in a mood to be played with any more than he was. I crossed my arms. “Well?” I questioned. 

“Well what?” he looked at me with a blink.

“What was it?” I asked, becoming irritated myself at that point.

“That he said?” Don asked. I replied with a low, growl-like noise which, for whatever reason, he seemed to acknowledge and even understand before leaning back in his chair. “I don’t know what he said to be honest,” Don shrugged.

“What!?” I growled. “How do you not know?”

Don frowned. “He didn’t tell me,” he said lowly. “He told Raph...”

I moaned and rubbed my face. It would have just been easier if Don had said that Leo had not said anything at all. Anything would have been more welcomed information than what currently was thrown at me. And this had been important, too.

“Great,” I huffed.

“Just go ask him,” Don whispered lowly.

I stared at him before shaking my head. “Raph would eat me alive then spit me back up! Then he’d run over my ashes.”

“He would not,” Don retorted, now beginning to be engaged again. “What makes you say that?”

The reply came out before I could stop it. “Because he hates me.”

Don narrowed his eyes. “No he doesn’t,” he said firmly. It was strange to hear such a fierce tone from Don. “What makes you think that?” he demanded.

I felt my insides church. “I-I don’t know,” I responded. I was worried, irrationally, about causing trouble again. “Just recently he seems... angry.”

“At you?”

“At me.”

Don stood up and stormed out. “We’ll see about that!” he declared as he took off toward Raph’s room.

I was too dumbfounded to react. I had the urge to hide in my shell and just never come out ever again except for food, water, and comic books.

I lowered in my seat miserably, my mind racing with everything that had happened. I felt dizzy and increasingly crushed from the inside. I wanted so bad for all of this to end and never have my family hurt an broken the way it was.

At that moment, I felt a warm, familiar hand grace my shoulder with its presence. I looked back to my father. He affectionately held to both of my shoulders and sighed a long, hurt sigh of his own.

“We must speak, Michelangelo,” he insisted.

And we did...

* * *

I always think it’s strange how when you’re very anxious about arriving somewhere, the last few miles seem the longest and most unnerving. One instant the trip is taking too long, the next moment the destination is arriving way too fast. 

I really wish I could put my life on pause right now and reconsider everything I’m doing. 

Even if I did have the magical ability, though, it would be much too late. I’ve interrupted the lives of our family’s closest friends so that I could come this far to see my brother. And, well, he’s only here because of me to begin with.

Or was he?

I need to stop thinking about all of this for just a minute, which is why I’m sitting in the back seat while Casey and April are in the little folk store -- our last stop before we get to Casey’s grandmother’s farmhouse. It’s like a tradition for Casey or something.

I don’t care either way. I needed the pause and I’m enjoying the pop rocks that April bought for me. They are just what I needed to wake myself up.

It is completely engulfing my attention as I place the round candies on my tongue only to take them from there and smack them around in my jaw. There’s small explosions all over my mouth. Hilarious. My jaw’s aching, but hilarious. 

I can feel a grin on my face. A big one. It’s almost strange. There’s been a long time since the last time I wore a grin so freely. It’s almost like you have a favorite hat you’ve worn in just right. That’s it -- I’ve found my hat again.

It fits back in its old spots, same as always. But... there’s a difference. I know that while it’s been gone, I’ve missed a lot of opportunities to wear it.

Casey opens the door my feet were propped up on to my surprise and just grins goofily in his classic, Space-Case sort of way. I smile politely as he gives his “sorry” and shoves in the floral wreath he and April had bought.

The pastel colors seem to really clash with the dark green -- very fake. It reminds me of when I was on laundry duty and put in bleach with our masks. 

I hear the front doors open and the awkward shuffle of bodies sliding over cold leather. Door slam again.

“Sorry it took so long, Mike,” April apologizes. “Casey didn’t know which one would look best for his grandma.”

“It’s important to me,” Casey huffs.

I find that my smile has gone missing again and do my best to retrieve it. Once again, though, it’s a foreign smirk on my face that I’ve never felt likes me. I miss my old hat. “It’s cool, guys, seriously,” I reply. “I understand completely.”

They both get real quiet as they reconsider their own words, question my own.

April looks back, though it feels as forced as my smile. “Do you think we should have gotten something for Leo on the way?” she asks timidly.

It’s so strange to hear that carefulness in her voice. The April I know is strong and forceful even in her most compassionate state.

“No, it’s okay,” I assure her, regretting my earlier input.

“No it’s not,” Casey determines as he unbuckles himself. “I’ll run in and grab something for Leo, Mike--”

“Seriously, don’t,” I say, a bit sharper this time. I watch as Casey slides back into his seat and nods reluctantly. I feel unusually satisfied. “Leo’s not that showy, guys. First off, he hates presents and second off...” I pause and think. Did I have a second off before I started to ramble? “Well, I hope he can settle with seeing me.”

“Of course he can,” April says gingerly before nodding to Casey. “I bet it’s the only thing he’ll care about...”

I wasn’t so sure.

* * *

Another thing I always wonder about is how it’s that int he most intense, condemning circumstances that my mind will have the tendency to bring up the most random thoughts. In the midst of that night’s battle, I was not overly concerned with the immediate threat of the Foot.

I was much more concerned with the cursing battle I was having with my brother.

“Shit!” Leo hissed as his knife wielding opponent managed to cut his cheek. Fearless leader angrily administered the hilt of his sword to the grunt’s neck in return. He was not a happy ninja at the moment due to a combination of suppressing the urge to say “I told you so” to me and the fact that he had been outmaneuvered.

It was one thing to get Leo in trouble. It was another to be a step ahead of him.

Honestly, it scared me, too. Leo was, after all, a tactical genius. If he was outmaneuvered I really didn’t see much help for the rest of us. So this particular band of the Foot not only got us on a physical level, but was really affecting Leo on a pride level.

Leo’s job was to keep us out of trouble. He was failing because of me. So it became my job to kick in and keep him focused on the moment, to keep the moment as light as possible.

“Damn!” I exclaimed before pelting an approaching troop with shuriken. These were obviously the loser new guys because half of them didn’t even make the attempt to doge. Poor, unfortunate ninja.

Leo threw me a wicked grin despite his most earnest attempt to show it as a disapproving scowl. He must have been relieved that i was acting my old, Mikey self again. That I was so blindingly confident everything would be fine again.

How couldn’t I be, though? Everything always ended up with us on top! 

“Your turn,” I said with a flash of my tongue.

He raised an eye ridge at my antics but didn’t get to respond. We both jumped into full alarm as the ninja around us suddenly backed off. All appearances to the contrary, that move was never a good sign. Especially when they parted the waters.

I turned around to where Leo was facing and joined my brother in seeing **him.  
**

It was the Elite guard Raph and Don had been telling us about. He looked like a game boss, carrying an axe and everything. Seriously, an **axe.  
**

But that wasn’t even the most of it. Not only did he look the part of bad news, but he had this whole presence surround him. It’s hard to explain but it felt like, well, being in the gaze of the Crypt Keeper. His atmosphere was the furthest thing from friendly.

Leo summed it up the best with a little four-letter word that rhymed with “muck.”

I chortled some. “I’m telling Splinter.”

“Mikey,” he uttered in that warning voice as we backed up.

“I know,” I grunted before a gulp. The Elite was approaching. “Quit acting like a child.”

Leo shook his head some. “Actually...” he muttered, “I was going to say ‘Tattle Tell.’“

He stopped before us. Leo and I scowled. What did this guy _want?  
_

Suddenly, he looked at me and waved one hand for me to approach... by myself. I wasn’t all that inclined to take the invitation so I grinned my best and shook my head at the offer. I wasn’t about to get myself killed for his sadistic pleasure.

“Don’t do it,” Leo hissed at me, never taking his eyes off the guard.

“Dude,” I replied, “like it was ever even in my thoughts to do something that stupid.”

“You **did** get us here,” he snorted.

At that point the Elite was no longer asking nicely and lunged forward so fast that the sheer shock just about kept me from my footing. Leo met the axe’s swipe with a crossing fence and then locked the weapons in a battle of pure force.

I could see in Leo’s eyes, though, that even he knew that a contest of strength would be next to useless against this Elite. He had far surpassed any of the muscle mass we had acquired in our young, teenage lives.

“Mike! Get out of here **now!”** he snapped a me as the weight and pressure caused his legs to quiver. He was leaning backward to levy the force of the axe elsewhere but his shell was restricting how much he could do so.

I stared at him. He could not have been serious. Like I would ever leave my brother behind!

So I rushed forward and whirled my chucks at the Elite who just broke Leo’s block and left a gash over my brother’s worn carapace. It wasn’t much but it was a hit, and with all the cuts and bruises we already had I knew that he would tough it out.

Problem was, by rushing I had inadvertently given the silent okay to the accompanying ninja to join in the attack. They came forward to assist their leader. Leo and I found ourselves in separate rings of fighting, furious grunts.

Curses leaped from my lips like the sound of a fine tuned instrument as I received blow after blow and delivered block after block accompanied with strike after strike. I was beginning to lose my cool somewhat because being in a losing battle was not all that fun!

Worse yet I was beginning to tire. I had no natural concept of time due to my own obliviousness so what had felt like ages of combat I could only take to be ages of combat in real time.

"LEO!" I yelled out as I could hear the clang of metal over my own blocking and attacking. He must not have heard me because the precise, unyielding noises continued. "Leo! Listen! LEO!"

At about that moment I happened to see a bulky grunt appear before me out of nowhere, catching me off guard, before hammering his knee into my stomach. I didn't even have a chance to gasp as every breath expelled from my lungs.

I went down like freshly sliced cold cuts and lay in a heap on the ground. For a moment I thought that maybe if I played dead they would leave me alone. Not a perfect or even reasonable plan but at the moment when I couldn't move, it sounded GREAT.

It was then that I felt a kick to my lower abdomen turn me over and prevent my chance for air intake. So I laid and looked up as the same guy cracked his knuckles. I grabbed my chucks and was ready to pull him down when his foot came down without warning on my shin. There was a sickening crack that entered my ears and honestly hurt me more than the leg itself.

I yelled out pulled my leg up from under his foot in response before biting down on my lip. I muttered another curse, still going for the record, before swiftly wrapping my chuck around the ankle of his supporting foot and yanking, literally taking his feet out from under him.

It is true what they say about the bigger they are.

At that moment I should have probably been wondering where the other ninja were or even where our buddy Mr. Elite had gone off to, but I didn't.

I laid my head back and groaned over my leg.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, as I shook from the pain of my poor, innocent leg, I recognized the sound of metal slicing through the air behind me. I blocked it out, though, because in the most stressful situation of my life I didn't really want to think about impending doom.

I heard Leo screaming and all went black.


	10. Long Awaited Reunion

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Ten: Long Awaited Reunion

Before my vision could even think of coming back, I recall hearing the echo of splashes, running, and the panting of labored breath right against my head. I was scared, I didn't know if I was alive, in Heaven, in Hell.

Then feeling came back and I was for certain that it was Hell. In all my years of battling as a ninja, I had never felt so much pain. It was one thing to be aching, bruised, and cut up, but this felt as though my every single nerve had been lit on fire. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to never feel, whether it be good or bad, ever again if only to rid myself of this burning.

Muffled noises came from above my head but the blistering, tearing pain was too much for me to concentrate on anything else.

A cold splash of water pelted my feet and I was returned to reality for a short time. I realized that there were other senses that I had been ignoring. I felt securely held against my brother's hard plastron, the tight, shaking embrace of his arms around my shell, or the tears and blood falling upon my chest that were not my own.

At last, I could truly hear.

"Stay with me, Mikey. Stay with me!"

I felt jarred and opened my eyes to a blurry existence, realizing that we had stumbled. I looked about in this hazy world and saw my brother's exhausted, war torn face. He looked like death warmed over and he was crying something awful - over me.

"You can't leave me, Mikey! God, please! Mikey!"

Poor Leonardo.

I wanted so bad to look him in the face, to laugh off my own ache, and assure him that everything would be okay, things always were. When I tried, though, I couldn't. The words did not form, my body didn't move...

I felt as though I was trapped in stone.

As my eyes began to close against my will, Leonardo looked down at my face to see that I was awake. His expression teetered between horror and joy.

"Mikey!" he shouted hopefully, until my eyes closed yet again into a void of nothingness, of numbness. "MIKEY!"

* * *

It seems like it had taken a lifetime on this voyage of ours. A few hours once I added up all the stops and detours we had made in Casey and April's initial bickering. It's finally over, though.

I'm finally at the farm.

As I straighten up in the backseat and look around at the oh, so familiar landscape of our home away from home, I feel like I'm about to be sick. I know Leo's here, I know I owe him so much and I will never be able to thank him.

He dragged me out of that battle when I should have been left for dead... and that was not enough.

He did so much more after that...

The car is slowing and I really am about to vomit. I want to call Don! I want to go home! I want him here with me! I don't want to see Leo! I don't want to face the truth! I don't want to see what has happened because of me!

And yet... the car stops, waiting expectantly for me to get out of it.

I can't move for a few seconds. How could I? I never realized that it would actually get harder the closer I got! I didn't realize that Master had been wrong, that I'm not feeling better at all.

"Mikey?" April's sweet voice comes from the front seat, jarring me, waking me back up to the world of the living.

"Dude, you okay?" Casey adds.

Blinking a few times, I turn and look at them. Both of them have craned themselves backward to look at me. I almost wish they would stop existing all together if they can't look at me any other way. Why is everyone so sympathetic toward me? Why do I deserve it?

I'm not helping matters, though, I guess. I look into the rear view mirror and realize that I'm crying like a baby.

Oh, if Raph or Don could see me right now... I don't even want to think about it.

"Maybe... we should just go back," April whispers.

I feel shocked. Go back? To New York? To the Lair? Without Leo?

No, I can't be home without him anymore. I simply can't. It's not home without Leo. I have to bring him back! I have to apologize! I have to make things right again because they have been wrong for way too long!

I'm tired of Master Splinter's exhaustion, Raphael's anger, Donatello's sadness. I can't stand the stilled atmosphere — I can't, I just can't.

You **can't** understand what it feels like to be dead when you're still living.

"No!" I snap back. I'm in use of my body again, I can't stop now.

Neither of them are looking all that convinced by my performance. In fact, April seems even more saddened by it. They know about as much as I do in the situation, and that isn't much.

"Then let us go with you, Mike," Casey suggests sympathetically.

"I'd rather you didn't," I say sharply in turn. "I need to see him... by myself."

They sigh and nod in remorse. They understand.

I open the door and take in a breath of the fresh air. It's crisp, tinged with the autumn breeze but not dead yet, still clinging to the lively summer air. The farm is just as Leo always said it was, completely timeless, each season merely reflecting the others.

Stepping out, I walk forward and start toward the grassy plains of the barnyard. The grass is hardened despite being a deceitful green.

In the back of my mind I'm hoping Leo's far from the barn, that I won't have to see him just yet. Perhaps I could even sit around and take more time to go over my apology speech or prepare a joke for the occasion.

But I see him already. I see his bandana, torn from that night and stitched up like my Frankenstein wounds.

It's just like Don told me.

I make my way to him and feel my entire body quiver. My eyes are next to useless to see out of, they're filled to the brim with tears. So I fall to my knees, to his feet and just cry.

My speech, my jokes, they're all gone. All I can see is that mask.

"I'm so sorry..." I sob. "I'm so sorry..."

It's not supposed to be this way...

* * *

The next thing I remember was waking up faintly and realizing that my vision was skewed by a crimson liquid. I had no clue where it came from but I knew my head was throbbing something awful.

Next I saw my brother's blood splattered chest and realized that I was curled up in Leo's lap. He was mothering me so delicately that I almost cried at the mere earnestness of his actions.

His soft humming was urging me awake yet lulling me to sleep all at the same time, and his gentle massaging of my shell continued the trend of confusion.

I could feel that clouded shroud of darkness covering my eyes again, but I had to fight it no matter what. I could not risk to be lost from these feelings again because I feared I would never feel them again. A strange numbness had come to my wounds...

Still, something did not feel right... like I had been missing a part of myself.

I felt a warm hand against my cheek and I looked lazily to my brother's blurry face.

"Hey, Mikey," Leo choked out. "You-you're okay... You know that, right? You're okay?"

I blinked. I was too tired...

He frowned and continued working on my head. I supposed that this was what he had been maneuvering before. I felt assured... and horrified. There was something wrong with my head? Why couldn't I feel it?

Why was it making me so tired?

"You'll be just fine..." Leo croaked, I could see clearly enough to realize he was trembling. He was covered in so much blood. I may have been injured but I knew that in order to have bled that much on him by myself would have killed me. "Yeah, Mike... Don and Raph are on their way... I called them."

I relaxed and took in more of the moment. We were in the sewers, hidden, safe.

"H-home?" I gasped. My head couldn't move without this awful pain, not even for speaking.

"Shh." Leo coaxed me out of my terrible ache, drawing me closer. "There, used your mask... you'll be fine. " He tucked his arms under my shell and I wanted nothing more than to curl up against him and forget this entire night, wish it had never happened, wake up from it. "We're not home."

The news was heartbreaking. I wanted to be home with Sensei and Don and Raph... I didn't like being out here, even in the sewers. It wasn't safe, not completely.

"I couldn't let them track us to the Lair," Leo sighed as he brushed his thumb against my face. "I... I couldn't make it that far, anyway. "

I stared at him.

What the hell did that even mean?

He saw my concern and brought forth a grin, wild and youthful, like when we were at the movies. "You... remember the movie?" he questioned wistfully, needing this for some reason, needing it more than me.

Of course I did. I nodded the best I could. Damn my head hurt.

He drew me closer to his chest and I felt all my fear melt away. I knew I was with him and he was with me. Brothers, standing by each other no matter what, never leaving each other behind... Loving each other more than we loved ourselves.

His humming came to my ears like a sweet release, like the world was sweet and whole again even in this damp, barren hole. I could hear his heart racing in his chest, thundering like a wild herd against my ear.

I wondered what was going on to cause such mounting fear in my brother... Was it really only worry for me?

He began to sob as he lowered his head, "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits" I looked at him, recognizing the lyrics.

I snorted some and closed my eyes. He was such a terrible singer... "Puttin’ on the ritz...?"

There was a few moments where I awaited his response but it didn't come. I was too tired to be irritated with his unresponsiveness, and so I looked at him sternly, only to see his cold, warlike eyes set behind me. My stomach sank in a cold pool...

Finally hearing the approaching footsteps, I looked the best I could into the direction as Leo gently laid me on the drier pavement. I could see the determined Elite Guard, suddenly without his left hand, coming forward, furiously glaring at my brother.

Slowly, Leo stood, not saying a word to me or the Elite. His left knee buckled as soon as he stood and I could see the pulsating, liquid-like tissue over top of his bare ankle. The farther up his body I looked, the more I realized how disfigured my brother was...

"You ... his hand?" I managed weakly.

"Yeah," Leo whispered. A pained look came to his face. "I hope... I hope that Raph and Don come fast..."

I did, too.

The Elite dragged himself closer.

"These guys are tougher than the usual Foot soldier," Leo growled to himself, his teeth gritting at his miscalculation. He must have thought that a dismembered hand would have been enough to stop him. "They truly have mastered Mind Over Body."

At the same time we groaned, "Shit."

"Don... Raph," I tried to reason with Leo as the Elite straightened, his good hand held his blood drenched axe.

The farce was over, the Elite charged and a glisten in Leo's eyes caught my attention − they were filled with something I had never seen before. I suddenly felt a fear overwhelm me like I had never felt before and I realized... this was it.

"Not this time, Mike," he said before looking back at me. "I love you, Michelangelo."

My brother used a cross block and held for about half a second before the tearing of his tendon caused him to scream and he came soaring backward onto his shell. I had to take in what he just said. No, he couldn't mean what I thought. That look in his eyes couldn't have been what I thought it was.

The Elite held up his axe, but Leo swung his good leg around to kick it out of the way. It didn't stop the onslaught for long, though, as the Elite merely pulled my brother's neck into a choke hold with his handless arm, tucking him into his pit as his remaining hand attempted to grab hold of Leo's cheek to quickly snap his neck.

We had to get out of this together, right? It's what we always do.

Leo bit into his arm, blood seeping through his teeth as the Elite uttered a rare noise, releasing my brother. He couldn't move, though, not far. The Elite grabbed his bad ankle and slung him into the watery passage of the tunnel.

My brother was more than a brother to me – he was everything I'd always needed, a leader, a hero, a mother, a friend, a brother – my brother.

I heard Leo release an ungodly noise from his throat and felt myself grow light headed as the Elite found his axe and neared him. My brother couldn't get up. I knew that the same glisten was in his eyes as I saw earlier. I could only cringe as the axe came down upon his shell in the most shattering, unforgetful noise I had ever heard.

We were always there for each other. Honor codes. Never leave another behind.

"OH, GOD!" Leo cried.

I felt my lids close as the scurry of familiar feet through the water echoed toward us. I heard my brothers screaming, and I willed myself to open my lead laden lids again to no avail. I did not need to look to see what was happening.

I'd seen the look of defeat in my brother's eyes; it remained as my only conscious vision, but instead of screams and the splatter of water, I heard us in the theater, laughing together, the smell of popcorn and the whispers of an audience laughing with us...

* * *

Master Splinter hung up the phone and looked at me. I felt like a child, sitting on the tatami mats before him, teary-eyed and feverishly taking in his herbal tea as if some of its magic would help me feel better about the situation.

"Your transportation has been arranged," he smiled softly as he spoke. I didn't think it was that great.

I felt like I was being urged by two forces to go on this voyage, one being my father and the other being my longing to see Leo again, to feel his presence as I had when I was cradled against his plastron so lovingly.

But my guilt was telling me to stay home...

"Okay," was all I could say to the news. I looked up from my tea as I saw him near me. "What?"

"Are you not to tell your brothers?" he asked with a raise of his brow.

Now wasn't that a thought?

"No," I said. "Don wouldn't let me go..."

"He shall if I have said you may," Father stated confidently, giving me that look of 'I'm the true authority, remember?' "I do believe, Michelangelo, that you should at least inform your brothers of your trip."

We both looked to his screen door as their arguing voices were raised yet again.

It was not often that Don yelled, but when he did it was scary like you don't even know. Pissed Don is Scary Don.

"Okay," I sighed, as if one had a choice against Sensei...

We made our way out and it didn't take long to find my two brothers. They had made it from Raph's room to the entrance of the gym, an astounding twenty feet.

"He's your brother, Raph! What the hell is the matter with you?" Don snarled. "He thinks you hate him!"

"Leo was my brother, too, Don!" Raphael snapped crossly, his eyes narrowed at our normally complacent ninja. "Why do you always forget him?"

"Ahem!" Master Splinter cleared his throat as we neared close enough. The two straightened and looked at our father in awe and embarrassment, particularly at my juxtaposition to him. "Your brother has an announcement to make."

The blood warmly rushed to my cheeks and I could feel my hot tears forming again, I didn't want to admit what I planned to do. My jaw line trembled, making my lips feel like a blubbery mess without control, but I had to say something − anything would be better than this silence with six eyes staring at me.

"I-I'm going to go to Northampton," I stuttered, causing a collective gasp between Raph and Don. "To-to see Leo..."

Don's face was horrified. "Mike... you're in no condition−"

"He is in condition, Donatello," Master corrected my brother.

There was yet another awkward silence and Don rubbed his face. He was struggling to not cry in front of me, the world he was fighting for was disintegrating before him, and he had not a clue what to do to help it.

Raphael stared at me with disgust at my announcement.

Master Splinter narrowed his eyes at Raph after I had stepped back from his gaze. "You have an objection, Raphael?"

"No," Raph muttered before turning on his heels to exit through the gym, his sanctuary, as usual.


	11. Catharsis

**Paradigm**  
Chapter Eleven: Catharsis

I watched as Don folded each article of clothing like delicate silk. It was funny to watch because our family had few clothes as it was, being mutant turtles and what not, so the few sweats that Don had packaged for me were all that we owned.

Honestly, I didn't even want to be using them. I was so tired of being restrained as it was. I thought that at least I could be thankful I wasn't wearing any yet when Don threw some beside me on the bed.

I groaned.

"Donny, do I have to?" I whined.

"You better believe you have to," he scolded me as he shook the firmly packed bag, all the useless junk stored within it sinking to the bottom. "Do you know how cold it is outside? I'm not going to let you recover from your injuries only to catch pneumonia."

The thought was a stretch but loving all the same. It made me resent his care all the more.

His obsession with my health was exactly what reminded me of why I hadn't asked him to come along yet. As much as I love my brother, I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take! He was borderline neurotic.

"Now, I want you to call me whenever you get a chance," Mother Don began as he dropped my bag and sat on the bedside with me. "And don't forget to check your stitches. The last ones should be coming out soon."

"That's disgusting," I retorted sourly.

"You need to look out for it all the same, goofball," he replied with a sigh. That tired, worn expression came to his face again and he looked to his lap where his thumbs twiddled. He was so worked up over this – it was driving me batty!

Still, it was this same brother's nursing and caring that had saved me. It wasn't exactly something I could ever forget or repay him for, even if it came with this horrendous excuse for his annoying habits.

I leaned against him and buried my beak against his chest.

"I won't be gone forever," I reminded him. "Then you can yell at me about stitches and sweats and blankets all you want."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "Just a few days. We've been apart for longer."

"And we always come back," I continued as I looked up at him.

It was at that point I realized Don was crying. I felt like such a jerk. How had I not noticed that earlier?

"Not always, Mikey," he said quietly.

I leaned against him and hugged his side, wanting so bad to take away all this hurt. But his muscles were so stiff, so unfeeling that I don't even know if he knew I was hugging him or not. It was almost as if he was in a completely different world.

"I didn't completely tell the truth," he suddenly said.

I looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"When you asked me about that night… about whether or not Leo had said anything to me," he said quietly. "He did say a few things and I didn't want to," he bit his lip, "I didn't want to share them. And then I got mad at Raph for doing the exact same thing. I'm sorry, Mike."

Lowering my head, I knew it wasn't my place to know everything that happened. It was selfish of me to want to take in everything of that night when parts of it weren't mine to want. Some of those parts belonged to my brothers and them alone.

"No, Don, don't worry about it," I responded at last. "I don't need to know."

He looked at me and snorted at my reply. He wasn't buying that in the least. "Saint Michael, are we?" he said with a smirk. "Forgive me if I don't bow in praise."

I crinkled my beak and pushed off of him a bit. "Fine, be that way, asshole," I spat.

"Cool it, Mikey," he laughed before rubbing my shoulder. "In all seriousness, though, you do need to know because, well, because I think that it is why everyone's treating you the way we are. You should know, and you do want to know."

Indeed, I did.

"Okay, spill," I muttered.

He gently curved his arm over around my shoulders, reminding me what six months of no training and little consciousness can really do to a guy's physique, before pulling me close against him. I faintly recalled a similar approach our father would use when we were children he was preparing for a bedtime story.

"When Raph and I got to you guys, I went to Leo first," Don said slowly. "He was the first one we could see and he was awake so we knew he was alive. So I went to see what I could do to help him."

I could only imagine the scene as Raph and Don had found it – the blood splattered, unholy mess. I swallowed at the very thought of being in Don or Raph's place. I shuddered as I pictured the scene, coming across my brothers barely clinging to life.

"He told me to not worry about it," he said, pulling me from my inner concentration.

I looked at him. "What?"

"Leo told me to take care of you," Don explained before lowering his head. "No matter what happened, I was to take care of you, make sure you got better. You were the only thing, next to Raph handling the Elite, that Leo was worried about."

My vision blurred and I had to move fast to wipe away the tears.

I felt Don's hand rest on my knee and I brought myself to look at him. He smiled gently before grabbing my bag off the floor for me. "We better get ready soon. I packed you a few things you might want to give to Leo when you see him. And call me, Michelangelo. I'm serious!"

He turned away to rummage through more precautionary supplies. It wasn't long before he was growling at me to put on the sweats he handed me, but I wasn't paying any attention.

From behind his shell, I pulled him into the tightest hug I could manage.

He paused for a moment before pulling me into his own, nestling my head under his chin. "I love you, too, Mikey."

* * *

I don't really remember the conversation which got me here, but I do graciously accept this hot green tea with April.

The cedar smell of the farmhouse isn't so much relaxing as it is exotic to my city oriented senses. New York has me constantly alert, constantly accepting new smells and noises. I always have the sense that I never know exactly everything that's going on.

In many ways the farm is completely different.

I faintly recognize with each time that my brothers and I return here how absolutely new everything was. The farm was a world that none of us recognized and yet it brought home so many instincts we had never used before. We wanted to feel home and at the same time we knew we never could.

The dangers and general pace of the city had changed us almost to a point of being unrecognizable as turtles anymore, that is, to a less noticeable degree than the mutagen did.

Every now and again it seemed as though the farm was a healing spot for the wounds our lives had broken us with. It was something Leo had always been adamant about us doing regularly.

Oh, Leo…

It was fun to come to the farm once upon a time…

Now it's just tragic.

Judging by the silence, I'm guessing my little charade outside with Leo really left an impression. No one's really saying anything to me. I have two pairs of eyes on me at all times and it's making me feel a little jumpy.

Like… should I be doing something to entertain them since all this attention is on me? I don't think I'm really doing anything all that interesting right now besides sipping on this green tea, which, if I haven't mentioned already, is fabulous. It almost reminds me of Master Splinter's, though it does lack that hint of expertise and tradition that I don't think will ever be replicated.

I finish my little cup, lay it on the counter, and have to shiver. Without the cup warming me, I'm a little surprised to find that it's incredibly cold. I look up and still find that April and Casey are examining me.

If they don't stop, I'll start calling them Don, Jr. One and Two.

Still, they're only trying to help me, and I do realize that, even if it's bitterly annoying. Not to mention April just gave me some awesome tea after my freak out outside which, shockingly enough, did not make me feel any better whatsoever.

"Thanks, April," I say rather stiffly, still not in complete use of my voice. I guess this really is the first time I've spoke up since I was outside with Leo.

"No problem, Mike," April says very soothingly, like a sweet lullaby or something.

The concept makes me shudder.

"You okay now, Mikey?" Casey speaks up as he steps over toward the kitchen counter where we're standing.

I should laugh at the concern Casey has for me right now because it is rather cute. He's extremely shaken and clueless, but wants to be doing something to make things better. Thing is, no one knows what to do to make me feel any better.

I wish I knew what to do, too. I hate feeling like shit.

"Yeah, I'm feeling better," I reply. "I just should probably get my bags first and—"

"Already did that for ya," Casey says with a smirk. "Put them in the guest bedroom and everything."

Nodding in thanks, I go over the concept itself. In all the years that I've come to the farm, I haven't once stayed in the guest bedroom. That was an honor usually reserved for Sensei. Even if he didn't come, we all four usually bunked together in the attic, our four-person suite.

Thinking of staying in a room on my own reminds me of how scary being on my own really is. The concept is foreign to the point that it leaves a dry, bitter taste in my mouth.

Think think think. I'm like Winnie the Pooh. I'm so distracted by my own thoughts that I'm just now realizing that April's talking on her phone. I don't think I even heard it ring!

Has it really been that long since I honed in on my ninja skills?

She pauses and looks at me.

"Do you want to talk to your brother?" she asks softly.

I release an irritated sigh. Dammit, Don. Could this not wait a few more minutes? I'm still trying to gather my thoughts for crying out loud!

Reluctantly, I offer my hand. "Yeah, sure," I mutter as she places the cell in my palm. I can only guess how long this is going to take since I didn't call him on the way like I promised I would. Oh, well. "Hello, Donatello."

There's a pause and what sounds like an awkward shift before a rough, indecisive huff.

Don doesn't huff.

"I ain't Don," Raph's voice timidly comes over the phone.

I nearly fall out of my chair.

 **"Raph?"** I ask, unsure of what this could possibly be over. Did I leave something in the gym to piss him off? I mean, I don't know why he would ever even think of calling! It's so… unexpected. "I mean… something wrong?"

"God, I hope not," he mutters. I hear something muffled behind him and then a door shut. "Don's going nuts for the phone. Y'know you should have called him, right? Just once so he wouldn't get all jittery on me."

I laugh a good, honest to God, true laugh. It is just like Raph. It **is** Raph.

"I know, my bad," I respond as I make my way into the living room and settle on the couch, barely noticing that April and Casey have taken off to give me some privacy. "He's not too worried, is he?"

"Yeah, you bet your bad," Raph retorts harshly, but not the sort of harshness that I've been getting in the past months. This is brotherly, jokingly. I still feel warmed just by the fact that he's talking to me like he used to. "He's gone bananas."

It's an image I can picture perfectly; so perfect it brings back that old, worn out smile to my face. "Yeah, sounds like Don," is what makes its way out.

"How long you been there?" Raph questions somewhat stiffly.

"I don't know," I say honestly. "I… I think it's been a while."

Raph exhales a few curses before holding the phone up closer and settling in whatever room he's in. "Well, sounds like I called a little late," he sighs. "You already seen Leo and everything?"

I feel a tinge of guilt in my side for my earlier failure. I can't believe how cowardly I am for just leaving without having anything said to him. What kind of brother am I?

"Not really," I answer. "Just for a few minutes. I didn't really say anything, y'know. I just—"

"Nah, don't worry about it," Raph says rather plainly. "You know Leo. He's never been one for too many words anyway. Besides, that means I didn't call you too late to say I'm sorry."

I pause.

"Sorry?" I repeat. "Sorry about what?"

"Oh, knock it off, Saint Michael," Raphael snorts. "You and I both know that I've been a real sore bastard lately and you didn't need it or deserve it. Don was right back then, you're my brother and I shouldn't expect you to just **assume** that I love you."

That warm feeling comes to my chest and I almost release a cry at the expression. I don't want him to take to heart how much that means to me just yet, though. Gotta tough this out.

"I know you do," I say truthfully.

"Yeah, well, I haven't acted like too much of a brother lately and… and you don't even know why," he growls at himself. "I should have told you what happened a long time ago. I know you've been wanting to ask and I just… I kept ignoring it. But you need to know what—" he moved the phone and there was a few moments of silence before it moved back, "—what Leo said before he left."

I don't really know what to say.

I mean, this is personal business, between Raph and Leo. Believe me, I wanted to know every detail until my brain burst with all the information. How else was I ever going to get past this funk of not knowing what's up with everyone in my family.

Yet… it's something that doesn't belong to me. While the intangible seems all the more enticing just for that reason, I can't help but feel wrong for grasping onto the offer.

What Leo left behind for my brothers is a part of him that they hold on to, a piece of their paradigm for him.

I still have to come to terms with my own piece and yet here I am, taking Raph's after already taking Don's.

Still, I draw my breath steadily. I have to at least give Raph a response. "You were just being yourself, Raph," I kidded as I sat up, stiffening my back. "To be honest, I don't ever really expect different from you. But you don't have to… You don't have to tell me what happened," I attempt to refuse kindly. "That stuff is all between you and Leo."

There is an uneasy silence and I suddenly doubted whether or not I had phrased that right.

If I lost this reconnection with Raph I'll never forgive myself!

He finally speaks. "Mike, you don't understand. I **need** to tell you."

My epiphany comes full circle and I realize that maybe I'm not the only one that needs to go back, to think about everything that happened. I had to think through my thoughts on my own, get away from the Lair, figure out how I felt about it all on my own.

Raph was always the brooding type so I just assumed that he would want to reflect on this by himself. This one time, though, maybe he couldn't think through his funk.

And I have to admit, I need to know, too.

I bite my lip timidly and lean forward, preparing myself for whatever is to come. "Okay," I reply. "What did he say?"

He releases a breath, relieved. "Well, I don't know what all Don's told you, but we found that Elite over by you and Leo," he begins and I settle into my spot, balancing on the edge of the couch. "I went blind, just at the sight of it, and was at that bastard before I could think straight.

"I rammed my Sai through him, over and over, waiting for him to fight back, show me that strength he had to have to take out you and Leo, but I must have surprised him at the right time. He didn't fight back. Maybe he was weak from his own wounds, I don't know. I don't care. I just watched him drop into the filth of the sewer where he belonged.

"And then I turned to you guys."

I feel, just for a moment, that perhaps my heart is too big for chest. It's like it's going to leap out. I'm so confused! I want to hear this and I don't all at the same time.

"Don had already talked to Leo, I don't know what was said," Raph admits before sighing. "But Don went to go help you. I went to Leo.

"His back was broken, Mike." He paused and choked back on a noise that had been building in his throat. "Any… Anyway, it was a miracle that he was still alive, but it was him just hanging by a thread. Worst thing was Leo **knew** it, and nothing I could say would make a difference.

"I didn't know what to do, Don left to take you to the Lair and I was just there, with Leo. So I asked him what to do."

My hands feel clammy, I don't know what to do myself. My gut feels like it's all tied in a knot and I just can't help but feel sick, so very sick. It's like the trip to the farmhouse all over again. I just want all of this to be over but I don't want to go forward all the same.

So I ask, "What did he say?"

"He said… he said he liked the farm," Raph says lowly. "He also said that I should go and help Don with you, that the Elite had got you in the head but you'd make it if we worked fast enough… that he wished the same could go for him."

I let out a cry. I don't mean to! It just comes. I immediately bite the back of my hand to stifle anything further that might come and I just end up choking on pockets of air in my throat.

Hot tears are making their way back into the corners of my eyes and I have to shake my head fast to keep them at bay.

Raph waits on the other end of the line. He's quiet. Patient.

As I calm myself, he continues.

"I told him that he couldn't leave us like that," Raph says. "I said to him that if he left there would be too much that we would miss, too much pain we would feel; that we wouldn't be able to function without him. And I held real tight to him, like if I did it tight enough he would stay.

"But he didn't seem worried. He said we wouldn't even have to look for him, he said , I don’t even know. He wasn’t making much sense. He was just… he just wanted you to keep laughin’."

I pause.

"Laughing?" I whisper into the phone.

Raph's mutters continue, "Yeah… Yeah, that's it. Just keep laughing," Raph released a small laugh. "I... I didn’t know what to make of it."

I feel a smile crack onto my face just as a tear makes it past my defenses. I know just a little bit better. "Okay... yeah, okay," I do my best to not bring up why it meant what it did. Not just yet, some other time. "Did he say anything else?"

I feel numb when he doesn't respond immediately. Why can't I think before I do something just for once?

"No, Mike," Raph says slowly. "I kept holding tighter to him but it didn't work… He slipped away anyway."

* * *

The next thing I did was talk to Don who, of course, scolded me for about fifteen minutes and went through all the things I was supposed to check which, of course, I ignored. My stitches could fall out in their own, dear sweet time for all I am concerned.

But it's still nice to hear him.

He doesn't know what all Raph and I had talked about. It doesn't help that when he asked me I lied, but I think he's caught on to the fact that I am a little more appreciative.

I'm not going to talk to him as long as he would have liked, though. I have something else I had to do.

I know for sure what I have to do even while I am bickering on the phone with Don, walk into the guest bedroom, and see that April had unpacked and stored my things already, leaving the item Don had packed for Leo on my nightstand.

The image of it makes me smile and I pick it up, Don biting my ear off, figuratively speaking of course, and me ignoring him as I look at the picture.

"I gotta go, Don," I say back, stunning him into silence as he realized I hadn't paid attention to even the first sentence.

"What?" he asks, a little bit peeved.

"I gotta go!" I bite back irritably before rolling my eyes. "Love you, bye!" I hung up.

Once I get this order of business out of the way, I'm going to call him back.

I sprint out of the farmhouse, if I see Casey or April they'll distract me and that won't be good at all. I have to do this in true Michelangelo fashion: spur of the moment. I don't stop until I get to the barn and as if there's glue stuck to the bottom of my feet, I stick and can't get away.

So I'm standing near the barn again, the picture tightly in my hands, and Leo staring at me just like before. There's no wind and no real warmth other than the thin bit of sunlight still peering through the clouded autumn sky.

I get on my knees, finding the frigid grass rather unforgiving, and stare at the mask delicately laid across my brother's grave.

It's the only thing that truly signifies that the rock is supposedly in place for him.

There're a few wilted flowers from the earlier spring funeral but the grave itself is still restless and untouched, definitely needing someone to take care of it in the ways that Leo had always so preciously taken care of the three of us.

"Hey, Bro," I speak up. I almost wait for a reply I know will never come; I break from the silence, though. "I know you're still here because you always told us you would be."

The mask stares at me to continue. It's been so long since it has seen me; I don't think it was even sure how I survived though Leo had always known I would.

I smirk at the questions the eyeless mask are asking me. I guess these count as replies after all.

"Don covered up my head, made me wear this stupid hat," I explain as I take off the winter cap to reveal my recovered, stitched head. I smirk. "I call it my Frankenstein Dome," I continue before knocking on it, that hollow clanking of the cap making me laugh. "Don says I look like I recovered from a scalping. I guess I kinda did. It was a close one, though, wasn't it?"

He doesn't answer. He's just patiently allowing me to continue my ramble.

I get out the picture and smile at it. It's the family portrait Leo always kept on his desk, all four of us. I'm squeezing his neck while giving Raph bunny ears, Raph's leaning on Don while Leo's crossing his arms and smirking at our utter shenanigans. He's standing strong, holding the picture up almost with his arms like he always held up the four of us.

Like he always will.

"I guess you're wondering what took so long," I laugh. "I was dozing off most of the time between… then and now. A while longer I wouldn't have been able to come if I wanted because Don's babying me," I look at his mask, his eyes, and can still see him there. "But the rest of the time I was scared because I didn't know what it would be like now, with you here away from us, if I would be able to coax your spirit back to our family like Master Splinter had wanted me to."

I sigh.

"Now that all just seems so silly, because of that paradigm stuff you kept trying to push into my head," I mutter. "That an image is never static, that people and the way we view them are always changing – that we can't predict how we'll come to see someone for what they've done for us.

"But those little glass images you always mentioned aren't just reflecting who's inside of them, are they? It's what makes them, too – the people in our lives always leave bits of themselves in other's paradigms. They're always there if you piece together all the traits they've left behind, like a puzzle." I smile. "Sorta like how you never really left us and we never left you."

I smile.

"Thanks, Leo. You never heard it when you were with us physically, but I know you'll hear it now and you'll know it's true." I take a minute to stroke the picture. "I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you and I don't just mean that night but every night. I have not a clue how you did everything you did, always making sure we'll be okay, always being one step ahead of the Foot."

I pause and take the chance to breathe again.

"It's something I thought that the three of us wouldn't be able to do without you," I admit. "I came here to ask you to come back and help us, support us like you always did. But Raph and Don just helped me realize that you never really left me or any of us."

Rubbing my neck, I release yet another sigh. "Master Splinter never meant for me to literally come here and drag you back because your living spirit has always remained with us, we just didn't know how to utilize all the gifts of yourself that you left behind."

I close my eyes and recount everything. "Don took care of me not because he was annoying me but because you had left in him a nurturing spirit and the daunting task of being responsible for me. Raph ignored me not because he was angry with me, not directly anyway, but because he knew I could not carry his pain along with mine at the time, he protected me and even Don by not going to us."

And me?

"You taught me something I can never forget, Leo," I admit. "You taught me to never look at my brothers, my family, in the same way and expect them not to change, to not give them room for progress. You taught me to give them all they need to grow into their rolls just as you always let me grow into mine."

I sigh and feel as though a load has been released. I had to get away from the Lair and my brothers to realize what our father had wanted to me to see all along.

Turning over the photo, I see my brother's scribbled words, probably from a late night where he simply could not write another word of his strategy nonsense in his journals.

"Abby Normal”

It makes me laugh. There’s probably not a more perfect description of our family out there in the world.

I lay the picture against the marker, pulling over a smaller rock to keep it up. It's where it belongs.

After all the time it took to get here, to relieve this strain from my family, I feel happy, content even. I hope April and Casey can manage to leave soon, get us back to the city. It might seem so soon to want to go home after just arriving, but I've gotten what I came for. It wasn't that hard when I realized it was there all along. That Leo was there all along.

My brothers needed me and I needed them. We each held a paradigm that together was whole and was only whole when we were together. Just like our family.

I need to be home with them, let the pieces fall back in place, and let us all be complete again.

That's my paradigm of my brother Leo. He is the part of our family that keeps us whole and he will never leave us behind.


End file.
